Wanting to die

I haven't posted on here in years. Not because everything was ok, just because I couldn't cope with this on top of everything else.

I'm doing a PhD now. I'm in the data analysis phase and then I just have to write it up. I'm loving this phase, which is a good job. Because the back pain is so bad today that if I didn't want to finish the PhD, I would have killed myself today. Nothing is helping, no meds, nothing.

I still might kill myself. If the desire to finish the PhD drops just a tiny bit, that'll be it.

Then, finally, I'll get some relief.

It's a long long time since I've written here. Things got a bit better for a while, then when they got worse again I didn't want to talk.

But I'm suicidal again. I came very close to killing myself on Saturday because the pain was unbearable. And now I want to again m, because I'm supposed to be going on a trip in a couple of months and I don't see how I can. I'm utterly terrified and I just want to die. Irish I wasn't such a coward, I wish I could just do it.

How much more am I meant to take?

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I told the doc I'm not going back to the pain clinic again, because of their attitude over the morphine and their insistence on me reducing them, according to their schedule.

He was already not happy with the way the morphine's gone back up lately, even though it's still less than before.

I'm pretty sure he's going to cut me off soon. Then I can die, because I can't bear this pain with no relief at all. I half wish he'd just get on with it, and put me out of my misery

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I don't know why I'm stressing so much about getting a job, trying to find all sorts of ways to make money, trying to sort my phd. I already know how it's going to end. I've always known. The money will run out, I'll have nowhere to live and rather than live on the streets, in pain, without medication, I'll kill myself. I told the doctor today that I can think of little else. Since its going to happen anyway, I might just as well stop worrying. Live as long as the money lasts and at least be stress-free. Then die.

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If I can't even get a second interview for what is essentially my old job, just a different company, then I have no hope.

I'm starting to think they've been slagging me off behind my back.

I can probably survive a year, then I'll be out on the streets. I can't cope with this pain in those conditions.

So, a year to live. I wish it would just hurry up and happen now.

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I feel utterly hated.


I can't get a job because no-one likes me enough to hire me; men on the Internet dating site just fuck off after a few questions; my solicitor and old employer are still fucking me around.

I don't understand why everyone hates me so much. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this. I'm trying so hard to do the right things - to get a job, to find a partner. And instead I'm still stuck at home, all by myself, in agony. My savings are draining away and then what?

I had to have blood tests last week to try and find out why my beautiful hair is falling out. I really really hope it comes back with something fatal. But even that's never going to fucking happen, I'll just get left here to rot. I want to die. Please.

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Lightbulbs. Psychological lightbulbs. And suddenly it all makes sense.

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