Wanting to die

I haven't posted on here in years. Not because everything was ok, just because I couldn't cope with this on top of everything else.

I'm doing a PhD now. I'm in the data analysis phase and then I just have to write it up. I'm loving this phase, which is a good job. Because the back pain is so bad today that if I didn't want to finish the PhD, I would have killed myself today. Nothing is helping, no meds, nothing.

I still might kill myself. If the desire to finish the PhD drops just a tiny bit, that'll be it.

Then, finally, I'll get some relief.