Meditation can replace morphine...

Terrible, terrible back pain today - was looking like a morphine day from the very start. Used the meditation stuff though, and managed to ease it that way. Had to keep repeating it through the day, and eventually had to take a pill at night for shoulder pain, which the meditation couldn't touch, but massively delayed having to take it and meant only one required, and only a couple of hours of SEs - result.

Meditation is...

 ... BLOODY HARD!

And you can get some really wierd reactions - my first full session left me with an evil, asthmatic-y cough. The session was very relaxing at the time - I didn't actually want to stop - but when I got up at the end, the coughing started, to the point of retching. 24 hours later, I'm still coughing...

Latest discoveries...

* hot and humid air eases the back pain and neck pressure - all I need now is my own private steam room.
* when my shoulder feels like it's dislocating, doc says it probably is. Sling helps, but can upset back.
* swimming is possible, in very warm water, and with a swimming noodle. Looking for suitable pools in the arera.
* my mattress makes my back worse - ordered a new one, but the shop doesn't seem to understand that when they receive payment they're supposed to DELIVER THE POXY GOODS!

I've also just started a pain meditation course. First session did not go well - full on panic attack and had to stop - but I shall persevere.

So, latest update...

Most of the time my arm feels like it's literally falling out of my shoulder. I'm also getting so much pain now in my back it's pretty unbearable, and at least once a week I have to take a morphine pill, just so I can sit up, draw breath - you know, the usual stuff! I didn't want to go back to taking morphine, I'm terrified of getting reliant on it, of my body getting used to it, of having to go through that awful withdrawal again. But there are times when it really is the only option. I never know what the side effects going to be though. Sometimes it's the crazy, dizzy, stoned feeling; sometimes I feel I'm going to throw up for hours on end; sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating; and sometimes there are no side-effects, it just takes ages to have any effect on the pain.

All of this, of course, means that whenever I take one of these awful pills, I have to be prepared for any, or all, of these side-effects - so I have to be in a situation particularly where I don't need to drive.

I've also now chopped off all my hair - not exactly because of the pain, but in part. It was becoming so difficult to wash, style, do anything with, and of course it was also so heavy, there just seemed no point now in having hair halfway down my back. So, in typical me fashion, I chopped the whole lot off! It was actually very liberating (though the hairdresser was terrified I would change my mind!) and I'm loving my new look!

I wanted to be able to donate my hair to a charity that makes wigs for people who have lost theirs for medical reasons - I managed to find one via the Cancer Research Trust website. They make wigs for children who've lost their hair due to chemotherapy or alopecia. It's great - they guarantee that the hair won't be used for anything else, and that's particularly important, because I didn't want anybody making a profit from it.

At least there's one bit of good news amongst all the crap...

Venting, not planning

head in the oven
bungee jump without the bungee
forget to pull the ripcord
sharp knife to the wrist
drive into a wall
roll the car
lotta pills
long walk into the sea
swan dive off the back of a boat

Better it's here than floating round my head.

Probably the worst night I've had since all this began.
I don't know how I'm supposed to keep doing this, day in, day out.

Pissed off. Fed up. Frustrated. Annoyed. Disappointed. Angry. Upset. Betrayed. Exhausted. Hopeless. . .

How I feel about the having had to sit here all day, doing nothing, bored shitless, watching brainless TV when I'm desperate to work and finally have shedloads to do, but I can't even sit at my desk, because of the pain.

I fight to be allowed to work, make a huge fuss about a normal workload, then go and overdo it by - God forbid! - thinking I can work to my mental capacity instead of my shitty physical incapacity.

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?