Taking the Stairs

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Pills of the devil

It's taken me the whole day to recover from the Temazapan tablet I took last night.

I still feel too traumatized to actually talk about the effects of the pill itself, but at least I'm starting to feel vaguely human again.

And for the record, I'd rather dose myself stupid on morphine than take another one of those pills.

Some people take this stuff for fun; I would rather die of sleep deprivation than ever take it again.

Friday, 3 June 2011

Interesting development

This is interesting.

I went to a different chemist's to get the new prescription filled today. When the pharmacist came over to give me the pills, she took one look at me and said 'oh, you're in agony, aren't you'. I actually wasn't feeling as bad as I often am (as bad as right now, for example), but I obviously looked rough.

What was interesting, though, was the fact that I didn't find her comment intrusive or inappropriate. Yet it infuriates me when people ask what's wrong or what I've 'done to myself'.

What's the difference? Maybe it's the line between sympathy and pity, I don't know. The pharmacist today sounded genuinely sympathetic, with no strings attached. She wasn't asking what had happened, she wasn't passing judgement, she just cared.

I think all those other people who ask supposedly because they care, are actually being nosy and are subconsciously relieved that its not them. They see me as some pitiful victim.

The pharmacist wasn't interested in how or why, and she looked past the sling and the stick. She just saw someone in pain and wanted them to feel better. And it did make me feel a bit better, just receiving that unconditional concern.

It was the same as the friends that make me feel better because of the way they respond. I don't really understand it, but there it is.

I can't force myself to eat. I'm sorry, I just can't do it.

Maybe it's wrong, but I'm quite looking forward to these new pills. For months I've been longing for something to knock me out and make everything go away. That seems to be pretty much what they're all about, and I can't help looking forward to it. I just hope it works out OK.

Hitting the hard stuff

As expected, it was a dreadful night, and I've spent the morning driving all over the county trying to fix it.

I was awake for three hours before finally dropping off, only to be woken less than an hour later by the pain, which of course then meant taking more morphine.

I talked to the doc as planned this morning and he decided to switch me on to Temazapam. This one I've heard of, unsurprisingly, as it's a 'street drug'.

Because of the time it would take to get the script here by post, he said he'd fax it to the pharmacy, but when I called for a fax number, I discovered that because of it's 'street' pedigree, pharmacies will only accept an actual prescription. So I had to drive all the way to the surgery to get it, then find a pharmacy to fill it.

Luckily the pain responded to the two morphine pills I took before setting off, and I was OK till I was nearly home.

The chemist warned me that Temazapam is strong stuff and I'll start to feel drowsy between 30-60 minutes after taking it. So I should 'be sure to be lying down, so I don't fall and hurt myself even more'. It sounds pretty scary, buy I'm hoping this will mean it actually works. I'm so tired now, I'll try pretty much anything.

I probably shouldn't be surprised the original pills (Zopiclone) were so hopeless; years ago I tried one of the over-the-counter sleeping 'aids', (Nytol I think it was) and it was worse than useless. It relaxed my body but left my mind racing, and I woke up with enormous bags under my eyes, like I hadn't slept for a month. (No exaggeration, I looked like Thora Hird!). The Zopiclone didn't do that, but it didn't help me sleep either.

Let's hope this new 'hard stuff' does.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Given the amount of pain I'm still in after taking supposedly all the day's pills (and how much pain I've had all day), and given the two hours it took to fall asleep yesterday despite the sleeping pills, I don't much like my chances of a restful night tonight.

I feel stoned, sick, in pain and knackered.

Today

This is all I've managed to eat today:
bowl of cereal
2 bagels
cereal bar (about to eat now)

And I've had to force myself to eat that.

1.30am - extra bowl of cereal to try to distract myself from not being able to sleep - again. So much for the poxy sleeping pills.

Pills taken today:
Oxycontin x 2 (+ 2 more to go)
Oxynorm x 8 ( hopefully that's it ... Or not - another 2 at 2.45am)
Etoricoxib x 2
Cyclizine x 2
Lofepramine x 2 (+ 1 more to go)
Paracetemol x 7 (+ 1 more to go)
+ 2 Zopiclone to take last thing tonight (raging waste of time)

That's a fairly typical day, pills-wise.