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Sunday, 5 June 2011
Temazapam
You're probably wondering what actually happened with the Temazapam. I'll try to explain, but I'm finding it hard to explain to myself, so I wouldn't get your hopes up.
I took the pill at 11 and the pharmacist had said it works within 30-60 minutes. So I was lying there waiting for this famous drowsiness that would make me fall over if I weren't already in bed.
Nothing happened. Gradually, over the next couple of hours, I felt more and more relaxed, till my entire body felt like lead. I could feel the pain coming on, then getting immediately wiped out by the drugs; I thought it was all going well, though I really did want to actually fall asleep.
And that's how it stayed all night. I was awake but relaxed, I didn't exactly feel drugged but I had no pain. I sat bolt upright at 4am and couldn't figure out why I wasn't fast asleep.
I think I might have dozed a bit between 5-7 (so, the same as any other day, only without the pain). I got up about 8, and that's when all hell broke loose.
I can't put into words how I felt, except that it was so awful I just desperately wanted to die. My face was puffed up like I'd been stung by a bee, with huge bags. I felt sick, angry, exhausted and very very depressed.
I know it doesn't sound like much - it doesn't sound like much when I read it back. All I can say is that it was the worse I've ever felt - worse than the anniversary, worse than any of the appointments, worse than any of the dark moments I've had these past four years - and I still want to burst into tears just thinking about it.
It wasn't till late last night that it started to ease, but then going to bed and finding myself wide awake and in agony, things got very bad again.
I would rather dose myself stupid on morphine than ever risk fallout like that again. Because I really can't be sure that I'd get through it a second time.
I took the pill at 11 and the pharmacist had said it works within 30-60 minutes. So I was lying there waiting for this famous drowsiness that would make me fall over if I weren't already in bed.
Nothing happened. Gradually, over the next couple of hours, I felt more and more relaxed, till my entire body felt like lead. I could feel the pain coming on, then getting immediately wiped out by the drugs; I thought it was all going well, though I really did want to actually fall asleep.
And that's how it stayed all night. I was awake but relaxed, I didn't exactly feel drugged but I had no pain. I sat bolt upright at 4am and couldn't figure out why I wasn't fast asleep.
I think I might have dozed a bit between 5-7 (so, the same as any other day, only without the pain). I got up about 8, and that's when all hell broke loose.
I can't put into words how I felt, except that it was so awful I just desperately wanted to die. My face was puffed up like I'd been stung by a bee, with huge bags. I felt sick, angry, exhausted and very very depressed.
I know it doesn't sound like much - it doesn't sound like much when I read it back. All I can say is that it was the worse I've ever felt - worse than the anniversary, worse than any of the appointments, worse than any of the dark moments I've had these past four years - and I still want to burst into tears just thinking about it.
It wasn't till late last night that it started to ease, but then going to bed and finding myself wide awake and in agony, things got very bad again.
I would rather dose myself stupid on morphine than ever risk fallout like that again. Because I really can't be sure that I'd get through it a second time.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
Finally dropped off for an hour or two, just been woken by the pain. More pills. They're just Smarties now.
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It's half past I'm-never-going-to-be-able-to-sleep-again-and-the-pain-is-never-going-to-stop-no-matter-how-much-morphine-I-take.
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Saturday, 4 June 2011
I've just been googling Dignity in Dying.
Even if the law changed, it still wouldn't help. People think it's only the terminally ill whose medical condition is so dire they might not want to carry on. At least they will soon die anyway. What about those of us whose condition isn't life threatening, only life destroying? Are we supposed to be happy to continue just for the fun of it?
I'm sorry, but I'd welcome a terminal illness at this point; at least there would be an end in sight. I know that's disrespectful to those actually in that position, but I can't help it.
Even if the law changed, it still wouldn't help. People think it's only the terminally ill whose medical condition is so dire they might not want to carry on. At least they will soon die anyway. What about those of us whose condition isn't life threatening, only life destroying? Are we supposed to be happy to continue just for the fun of it?
I'm sorry, but I'd welcome a terminal illness at this point; at least there would be an end in sight. I know that's disrespectful to those actually in that position, but I can't help it.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
For all the hideousness of the Temazapan, it did give me a pain-free night. Obviously, I haven't taken it tonight, just the morphine, and I'm in horrible pain again.
I didn't know how much morphine to tonight take because my levels are all over the place from all the pills. Clearly I got it wrong, and now I have to suffer till what I've just taken kicks in.
I can't live like this.
I didn't know how much morphine to tonight take because my levels are all over the place from all the pills. Clearly I got it wrong, and now I have to suffer till what I've just taken kicks in.
I can't live like this.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
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