Taking the Stairs

Saturday, 30 April 2011

I feel very odd and I can't work out what it's all about, but it's preventing me going to bed because I don't know what will happen.

I feel scared, but not full-on panicked. I feel paranoid and got at, when I haven't even spoken to anyone. I feel borderline tearful, yet there's no actual crying. I want to go to bed, but I'm afraid I'll get in a state.

My thinking is very muddied, like my brain is operating from behind a heavy curtain. I keep just staring blankly at the page or screen, unable to process what I'm looking at. Then I'll have a burst of understanding, then it'll be back to the blank stares.

What IS going on?

Dual identity

Reading back over the blog for the past few days, it reads like a raging whinge-fest.

Every other post, I'm talking about how I can't take any more, how I just want to die. It must be bloody irritating to read, and the 'crying-wolf' effect concerns me.

I guess it can't be helped. The blog has always been dual-purpose: it's a way for me to talk to the world about what's going on, but it's also an opportunity for me to be completely honest about how I feel, including whatever self-indulgent whingeing I feel I need.

No text can simultaneously serve as both open letter and diary, though, so, I apologise for all the end-of-my-tether ranting. It's not there to elicit sympathy, it's just the 'diary' side of the blog taking over.

Having that outlet is crucial for me to get through all this, since at the moment I rarely feel able to actually talk about it with anyone. So whilst I cringe at the thought of people reading all this and thinking 'for christ's sake, either get on with it and top yourself, or shut the fuck up!', I'm afraid I'm going have to keep on writing. I wouldn't blame you if you decided not to keep reading though.

Concerns over Lofepramine

The Lofepramine worries me; it has so far had no impact on the depression, but the side effects are very bad, especially since the last dosage increase.

I'm getting very bad nausea all day - despite the anti-nausea meds I already take for the morphine - the panic attacks are as bad as they were on the Fluoxetine and my body temperature is all over the place again. The itching-all-over is back too. They're obviously all associated with serotonin, since that's what both Lofepramine and Fluoxetine are all about.

I can put up with the latter ones, but I'm not sure if I can cope with the nausea. I have no appetite again (like when I was on the Tramadol) and often the only cue I get that I need to eat is the sickness getting worse. Eating does ease it, but it's incredibly difficult to make yourself eat when you feel that sick.

Worried about Lofep - nausea worse, body temp. Panics not working

Sleepy

For some reason, the meds are knocking me flat today.

I'm not getting the dizzy-floatiness, I don't feel spaced out. I just can't stay awake. At one point, I had a snack to try and boost the morphine because the pain was still bad. It was an hour and a half since taking the pill, and within 20 minutes of the snack, I couldn't keep my eyes open again. And it lasted for hours.

I don't understand it. And it makes it difficult when the next pill is due, because it'll make it even harder to stay awake, but the pain is bad enough to need the next dose.

Friday, 29 April 2011

Terrified again

It's been a shitty day and I expect it'll be an equally shitty night.

The pain's been bad all day - I need to go back to double pills first thing - and my mood has been very low. Like most other days at the moment, I've spent about half my time thinking about knives, pills and tall bridges.

The panics have been back this evening, but with the added dimension of starting to panic, forgetting what I was panicking about and then panicking over the forgetting.

I think it's the loss of faculty that I'm really panicking about, because it's also been happening over forthcoming discussions or decisions that I know will require me to be able to think clearly: I'm scared I won't be able to do that.

For example, I know my landlord is planning to put my rent up, but there are several things he needs to do first, which means I'm going to have to negotiate with him.

He's a friend and I know he won't intentionally screw me over, but he's very business-minded, so he'll be looking out for his own interests, which means I'll have to look out for mine.

But I don't feel capable of doing that, and that's what's panicking me. I'm terrified I won't be able to follow the arguments, and hence will lose out. And the landlord is coming round next week.

Even thinking about it to write this is freaking me out. Everywhere I turn, I just feel scared, lonely and completely unable to cope with the world. What am I going to do?

********
I can't even look after myself any more. I've always been a very intelligent, very capable, very independent person. Now I feel like a child. I feel completely powerless and incompetent; I don't understand what's going on around me, but I know I should be able to. It's frightening and frustrating. The world won't stop just because I can't cope, so how am I supposed to navigate it?

Update

Pain today very bad.

Depression still awful.

Feel very sick.

Wish I were dead

Still here

Well, I'm still here.

I thought the tears would never stop last night. I was crying like a small child, like the world was ending, which was exactly what it felt like.

I suppose the silver lining was that I was so exhausted after all that, that I slept OK.

I find when I get up in the mornings these days, I feel like I've got Parkinson's or something: I'm consumed by tremors. Every muscle shakes and it's a nightmare just trying to move about. I don't know if it's to do with the meds, or whether I'm just so tense when I'm sleeping or what, but thank god it does wear off after a little while.

When I woke briefly to take the slow release pill at 6.45 I decided to try going back to only one. I've been on double dose for well over a week because the neck pressure and resulting headaches have been so bad. The awful shoulder pain as I was getting myself some breakfast suggests that was a mistake however.