Taking the Stairs

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Feeling good today.

After a string of bad days - including neck pressure forcing me to sit up all nights, a fight with the shrink about how to address my abandonment issues, very high morphine levels, hysterical tears over nothing, and a return to bed-all-day because of uncontrollable pain - it feels about time.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Sat up in the lounge till 10pm today - the first time in 9 months.

That's obviously a good thing and a pretty big deal, but it does suggest a somewhat better day than it's actually felt.

Yesterday was appalling - the neck pressure was hideous, and nothing was working. It had been building to that for days.

Today I decided not to use the sling because I've been using it every day, but the past few days, the neck pressure has got very bad later in the day, and I wondered if it was because of the sling.

It looks like I was right, because the NP hasn't got as bad today, though it's been - and remains - very volatile. I can't sit face on or twisted to the left, I can only sit twisted to the right. Lying down isn't great either - I can't get the pillows right, which leaves my head feeling ready to explode, and the shoulder pain taking my breath away.

I did manage to get the chins out this evening, which was good because I'd been really missing it, and they were so cuddly last time. It was well worth it, I got lots of furry cuddles, plus some nibbled fingers.

I did a lot of stuff on the laptop this afternoon too, which gave a very welcome sense of achievement, and I both arm- and leg-pedalled to try and loosen things up. The doc says the more I can move through the pain, the better, but that doesn't help how much it hurts and how scared I am of what it'll do.

PS. It looks like I'm going to have to spend the night sitting up, because the NP is impossible lying down. Which means no sleep, because I just can't sleep like that. I'm dreading it.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Pain keeps on exploding, it takes my breath away every few minutes.

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Raging tinnitus

I was woken up at about 3am this morning by the most bizarre thing - appalling tinnitus.

I'm serious - it sounded like a badly tuned radio in the next room. There was an undertone of sound that resembled voices, talking and laughing, too low to make out any words, coupled with a low rumbling/murmuring/buzzing.

For ages I thought I was just hearing someone's radio. I still can't be certain that wasn't the case, except for the fact that wherever I went in the flat it was exactly the same, and blocking my ears made absolutely no difference. So it had to be coming from inside my own head.

The only reason I could think of for it was that I'd taken Etoricoxib that night (the anti-inflammatory, recommended by the doctor to help the extra pain from moving more), coupled with the fact that my 'ear eczema' has been bad for days, and I forgot to ask the doctor for some ear drops to treat it. I haven't looked at the SEs to check if it's a known problem, but I was terrified that, on top of everything else, I was now going to be stuck with tinnitus for the rest of my life. I've heard of people who have it for 25 years; I just couldn't bear that.

Fortunately, it was gone this morning and it hasn't come back, despite taking the Etoricoxib this morning. I hope to god it doesn't.

I was doing OK this morning. I desperately had to get my prescriptions from yesterday round to the pharmacy - I'm nearly out of morphine! - and I also went to Tesco for my lunchtime bagels.

The trip seems to have been my undoing though; the neck pressure got steadily worse, till I had no choice but to go to bed and put my arm into extreme traction.

Luckily that helped, and on top of that, the morphine today is knocking me flat. So I've spent the afternoon off my face, on not-that-many-pills. I daren't move though, having found the right position, so I've been lying like a statute for the past two hours.

If I wasn't so stoned, I be going stir crazy from it, but actually, I couldn't care less!

Friday, 18 November 2011

I asked the doc whether, given the current experiment and improvements, it would be helpful to go back on the anti-inflammatory Etoricoxib.

I don't know what made me think it would help - I don't know that much about the stuff, it just seemed that it might. And he said it would, if I'm going to be trying to move it more or do any exercises.

So I'm trying it, even though in the past it's caused me stomach problems and weight gain. That's particularly worrisome, because my stomach has actually improved lately, despite the morphine, and I don't want to ruin that.

Thumbs up from Doc

The doctor surprised me today, by being very impressed with the new sling.

I'd expected him to do his usual 'I don't like seeing you with that', like he did with my stick and the ordinary sling. But instead, he was really pleased with it, and with the experiments I've been doing trying to move my arm more, using the arm pedaller, and getting out and about more. He was really pleased to hear about me sitting up more, staying over at a friend's for the first time in nine months, and all the rest.

He said he had no doubt it was the arm pedalling that had kicked off the pain and neck pressure, but told me to keep trying. He said the more I can move through the pain, the better. He agreed I can try swimming again, and gave me some ideas for very gentle exercises.

He wasn't worried that morphine levels remain high, and he said he's still optimistic, because I'm always trying to find new avenues to get better, I'm always willing to experiment, and I just really want to get better and to work.

He's going to talk to the shrink to try and get her to give me the help I need, but in the meantime, the message is to just keep doing what I'm doing.

Of course it's not all good news - I'm still getting hideous pain and neck pressure, plus very little sleep, and I'm still very restricted. There are still lots of days where I'm stuck in bed, I'm still drugged to the eyeballs most of the time. But the sling is allowing me to sit up some of the time, and giving me some good days. Which is better than nothing.

Unfortunately, however, the doc didn't seem to think the improvements mean there's anything they can do to help me. Some of us had been thinking that if a 'mechanical' fix helps, surely that means something could be done surgically. He said the improvement is just because my arm is being held in a more natural position now, and that's allowing me to move it a bit more.

I'm disappointed, but not entirely surprised. And at least it means I don't have to go through endless tests and examinations, just to be told yet another branch of the NHS won't help me.