Glossary of pain

So, here's the vocabularly that's built up among me and my little coterie of supporters over the past couple of years - I hope they won't mind my including their creations here along with my own! - plus useful terms I never wanted to have to know.

Anti-convulsants - epilepsy drugs they use to try to interrupt pain signals.

Anti-Tramadol day - day where not only is the Tramadol not providing any pain relief, it's actually making things worse by causing muscles spasms of its own

Baddy elbow - my injured shoulder; the idea of elbows seems easier for kids to grasp than shoulders, for some reason!

Bad pain day - can't move much, need stick to go out anywhere, need multiple rest periods lying down

Bag of shite - Dragon voice recognition software (don't get me started!)

Bionic woman - me, at my desk, using mobile arm supports, wearing multiple headsets and talking to the computer

Bob - Blue Badge

Chronic pain - pain that lasts more than 3 months

Common-sense bypass - affliction suffered by companies and organisations that implement strategies they say are designed to help people with disabilities, but actually just overcomplicate things past the point of reason

Complex Regional Pain Syndrome - pain that nerves are reporting when they shouldn't

Cyril - blue walking stick, blinged up (he has a bit of a sexual identity crisis!)

Dependence - needing a particular medication just to feel 'normal' (not necessarily to ease the pain). Can be precursor to addiction, but is not the same thing

Doris - sling

Droopy eye - when neck pressure affects nerves in face so one eye won't open properly

Evil pain day - you figure it out! Need stick even in the house, can't work, can't do anything, need to rest most of the time, pain so bad I can't breathe, talk or move

Flapjack alert - when stocks of flapjacks (about the only cake I can eat these days) are running dangerously low

Flapjack-deficit - no flapjacks left, run for your lives

Fluffy day- when brain goes on hols because of so much medication, and I end up talking complete crap

Foot-up - using foot to lift trolley with few bits of shopping in it into passenger side footwell of car

George - green walking stick, covered in ladybugs

Good pain day - when I can move around without my stick, only have to lie down for an hour or so during the day, can sit at my desk and work without excessive pain

Grabby-thing - pole with pincer on the end for picking things up. Actually called a Happy Hand, but that's just too stupid...

Mother Ship - electric reclining chair - even more high tech than the Star Trek chair

Neck pressure - from trapped nerves - the feeling that my head is being blown up from the inside out, like when you were a kid and you used to hang off railings and things like that, and all the blood would rush to your head

Neuropathic pain - pain that's coming from problems with the nerves themselves

Opiates - strong pain meds like Tramadol, morphine. Used to get high by people without pain - if you have pain, however, you don't get high on them, all they can do (maybe) is ease the pain

Pity fest - people going overboard feeling sorry for you, e.g. welling up or repeatedly saying 'but you're so young'

Prozac moment - when brain completely shuts down and I can't even remember my own name!

Referred pain - pain that's caused by a problem in one part of the body, but actually manifests in another

Relays - trips up and down the stairs taking the bits of shopping in one at a time

Screwdriver headache - caused by neck pressure. Feeling like a screwdriver is being pushed through one or both eyes

SEs - side effects

Selfish tit - someone who uses a disabled space when they don't need to, just because they're in a hurry (if you want the space, you can have it, as long as you take the pain too)

Shoot me - use PainGone Pen on me to try and interrupt pain signals (bit like TENS machine)

Spinny-thing - steering wheel ball

Star Trek chair - orthopaedic office chair that looks like you could control the Starship Enterprise from it

Structural engineering - the endlessly changing combination of pillows and back supports to try and enable me to sleep

Tactical sleep - rest period timed to enable me to get through e.g. a meeting or friend's visit

Tolerance - when your body has got so used to a medication that it no longer works without increasing the dose

Wired for sound - TENS machine on and ready to go

Zonked - having trouble thinking or processing information, because of medication