Awake

I can't seem to make myself go to bed. I can't even seem to make myself feel tired. It's not exactly that I'm wide awake -- if I lay down and closed my eyes, I'd probably find that I was actually tired, it's just that for some reason, I can't do it. I can't seem to bring the day to a close.

It's not that I'm scared to go to sleep – not consciously anyway – and it's not as if the panic attacks or the nightmares were bad last night – actually, they were a bit better – but the thought of going to bed feels as fundamentally wrong as drinking poison, or throwing myself off a cliff.

It would be easy to blame it on my Dad, and it probably is to do with that, but I never really felt like this in the past. I had nights where I didn't want to go to sleep, but not like this, and I'm convinced it's to do with the medication. There's something about the morphine that seems to reach down and open the door to the deepest, darkest, most concentrated and intense emotions in your psyche. Then it reaches in and stirs them around till they come sweeping out like some kind of interstellar lab accident. It's why the hypnotherapy last year was so unbearable – I was digging around in my own subconscious at a time when it was being chemically dissolved from the inside.

At the moment, every few days all of the rage and sadness from when I was a little girl rises to the surface and the intensity of those feelings is mindblowing. They're so huge, so deep, so broad that I just can't find words for them. Whatever direction I look, they stretch beyond the horizon. Forward, back. Left, right. Up, down. They’re never-ending. And this reluctance to end the day is the same. It just feels like there's some kind of insurmountable ‘something’ standing between me and tomorrow.

I know it must be part of the cycle of side-effects – another one to add to the list of rage, depression, pseudofeelings, oversensitivity – but that knowledge doesn't make it any easier. I feel completely disconnected, divorced from myself. Washed away inside an enormity that I can't even begin to comprehend.