Sorry this is scary

There's a weird kind of freedom to my situation. I know this is going to scare anyone reading it, and that's not my intention, but here it is.

I have no desire to prolong this horrible existence, which means that all sorts of things that would normally be scary, aren't.

For instance, I was watching something on TV with an armed car jacking. In the past, that thought would've scared me, but not any more.

You see, if I don't care about living like this, what's scary about someone waving a gun in my face? I'd just tell them to go ahead. Chances are they wouldn't actually shoot me anyway, and if they didn't, I'd have foiled a theft. If they did - well, who wants to live like this anyway?

And health scares - not so scary anymore. Like the smear test request I decided to ignore the other week. Or the slightly odd-looking mole on my arm that I'd normally get checked out. Why bother? If there is something there, it just means a potential end to all this pain.

And that can only be a good thing.

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