Last night was even worse than the night before; I got no sleep at all. It was the pain keeping me awake this time - I didn't take as much morphine, to not have to cope with the panic attacks, but that meant the pain was awful.

I was due to talk to Personnel first thing this morning. At 4am I wrote her an email saying I needed to cancel, because I was expecting to be asleep at that time, since these nights usually result in me dropping off around 5am till 10 (as on the night before last). But then I decided not to send it, because I wasn't convinced I'd even manage to fall asleep then. And I was right - I never did drop off.

It went OK, though it was quite upsetting talking about the doc saying he still thinks I'll get better, because I simply can't see how. She wanted reassurance that I still have the desire to get back to work, so at least the getting upset served a useful purpose.

The rest of the day has been a lot of pain but less neck pressure, which is good. I managed to get round to the pharmacy to collect the rest of my prescription, which I'd hoped to do yesterday but couldn't.

It was touch and go today - the pain was very bad and I struggled with every element of the task - walking, driving, standing. But I did it.

The pain has got a lot worse this evening and now I'm just desperately hoping I can get some sleep tonight. But I'm not holding my breath.

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