Weird day today. I got no sleep - my sleeping is especially shit at the moment - so I've been tired all day.

I had to talk to Personnel this morning, and wound up getting quite upset at the thought that struck me last night; about things getting worse before they can get any better.

I cheered up a bit, but when the neck pressure once again forced me to take to my bed after lunch, with my arm in extreme and very painful traction, I just felt I couldn't bear to keep on like this; I started planning a pre-Christmas suicide.

It gradually wore off, then just now I suddenly found myself - for a very brief moment - feeling very positive and almost elated.

It lasted at most about five minutes though, and now I'm back to how I was before. Wondering how the hell I'm going to find the strength to get through months more of pain and neck pressure and no sleep. And that's without factoring in the toll the therapy is going to take. Really, I think it would be better not to even bother putting myself through it. I should just get the big knife out right now. You have no idea how much I want to.

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