Taking the Stairs

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Possible success

So, the reduction in meds seemed to work OK today.

The pain is worse this evening, but so far I've only taken 2 quick release pills. I'm due one more at 7pm, so if I can keep it just to that, I'll be happy. I did have to take the slow release one early, though, which isn't a good sign.

The next step will be to try working tomorrow. That does depend on the panic attacks tonight though - I had to stay awake for so long last night waiting for the panic to stop, that I then slept half the morning. Exhaustion only makes the pain harder to manage, so I'm not going to force myself to work on no sleep; if the panic is bad again, it'll mean another sick day. I've been getting mild panic on and off this evening, so I'm not holding my breath.

Brief respite

For the first time in a week, I feel vaguely human.

The pain is bearable, the side effects are pleasant instead of scary, and I've just had a nice lunch that I didn't have to go out and get.

What a blessed relief.

Lightbulb moment

I think I've just realised why last night was so bad.

I reduced the Fluoxetine to 20mg on Monday, per Doctor's instructions. I know from a couple of years ago on the morphine that Fluoxetine inhibits its release and usefulness, so it follows that if you reduce it, the morphine's going to hit me even harder than before.

Christ, does that mean tonight will be as bad?

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

...and I'm terrified to go to sleep, because I can already feel the panic attacks hovering at the edges.

...

I keep telling myself that i'm safe, but it's difficult to believe when all I can see is that car careering towards me, out of control. It's worse seeing it now though, because I know what comes after. It's not just the fear of the car hitting me, it's the fear of the four years of endless pain that follows.

I'm so terrified, I just want to sob. But there's nothing I can do, nowhere to turn.

Having bad reaction - can't breathe, very dizzy, hard to stay awake, all the muscles locking up, especially in my back.

Must be that the evening slow release pill is chucking a load out and it's combining with the short release one I took 90 mins ago. Doesn't usually happen this badly. Wouldn't be so bad if the pain weren't still bad.

Doubling up Part 2

So, today I managed to only double up the morning morphine (though the day's not over yet!); took a single one in the afternoon.

I also tried going to get some lunch, just to see how things felt. I managed it, but felt far too dizzy and shakey to really be safe going out, and trying to only made the pain worse and brought on the morphine-side-effect-headache that I'd managed to avoid till then by staying still.

This confirms I'm right in thinking that there's no point even trying to work whilst the meds are doubled up.

I'm hoping tomorrow to avoid the doubling up all together. Based on pain levels this afternoon, on a single dose, I still won't be able to work, but at least it'll mean fewer chemicals.

If tomorrow goes OK, I'll try single dose and some work in Thursday. I'm not sure the work part will be possible, but since part of the problem at the moment is the depression, and that's made worse by the pills, even if I can't work either way, I'd sooner take the fewer pills.

Doubling up

Every time I think the pain can't get any worse, it proves me wrong.

The last four days have seen much higher pain levels - on top of the 20mg/day of slow release morphine, I've been having to take a quick release one every couple of hours or less. But even that hasn't eased the pain, not until enough has built up in my system to knock me out altogether. It's meant I took 55mg in total on Saturday. That's getting perilously close to the maximum 80mg a day I've ever been on.

On Sunday, in desperation, I tried taking the quick release in pairs, to see if that would help. It did, but not in a very practical way; it doesn't stop the pain, but it does quickly knock me over so I don't care how much pain I'm in.

The good thing is that it means I can leave it much longer before taking any more pills - 5 or 6 hours - but the bad thing is that I'm still completely incapacitated. I can at least rest and sleep and it means I've managed to bring the total day's dosage down to 50mg on Sunday and 45 yesterday. But I still can't work or even sit in the lounge for more than a few minutes (the chinchillas think I've left home!). I'm forced to spend my time in a drugged out haze, aware of the pain in a weird, disconnected, academic way. It's better, but it's far from a solution.