Tidal wave

The 'magic' pain book may be proving extremely interesting, and I may be learning a huge amount from reading it, but it's also incredibly hard work and very, very distressing.

Every night I feel like I'm just going to drown in the emotional tidal wave it's generating. I cry and cry and cry. Not the kind of crying you do as an adult, the kind of bottomless tears that come only from a child who feels that the sky is caving in.

I can't begin to describe the depth of hopelessness and loneliness in those tears. And it's every night. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be OK, but there's noone.

Maybe the book can help with the pain, but I don't know if I have the strength to go through the emotional turmoil that's required. During the day I feel less depressed than I have for a while, but at night I feel like someone is ripping out my soul with a toothpick.

I've tried spreading it out through the day, but I just can't seem to get at those feelings any time but late at night. And then they come at me all at once, like a raging avalanche that sweeps me up, tumbles me around, then spits me out.

I honestly don't know which is worse - the pain, or the trauma of the feelings.

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