Wednesday 8 April 2009

What's the point?

For over a year now I've been fighting the doctors trying to get me to take anti-depressants. Ever since I started having flashbacks of the accident, a few months after it happened. I didn't want to be taking even more pills, I didn't want my feelings dulled by medication, I didn't want yet more side effects.

But now I'm sitting here in the dark and all day all I've been thinking about is killing myself, and I'm wondering why I fought so hard. Right now I desperately want something to make it all stop. I'm desperate for pills. I just don't know how I can go on living like this. My neck has been so bad for the past month that I'm now off sick, confined to my chair, unable to use even my good arm because that just sets off the trapped nerves and the headaches. All day, all by myself, seeing nothing but month after month of this stretching out before me. What's the point in that? I can't even work now - there's nothing left. My hobbies are gone, my social life's gone, all I had left was work and now I can't even do that. So what's the point? Why am I bothering to get up in the morning? Why am I putting myself through all this pain? It's not like there's any magic cure coming along any time soon. I don't want this, I didn't ask for it and it wasn't my fault. It's just not fair.

I wish I was dead, I wish I could just fade away and not feel it any more. You know the only reason I didn't do it today? My sister's getting married in a few weeks and I couldn't bring myself to ruin her big day.

My counseller told me once that if you really wanted to die, then any date would do - no need to do it today - there's no hurry - put it in your diary and schedule it properly; if you really don't want to live any more, the date doesn't matter. I know the thinking behind it is that you'll've changed your mind by the time you get there, but right now, the whole scheduling-it-in-your-diary thing seems like a bloody good idea.

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