Saturday, 30 April 2011

I feel very odd and I can't work out what it's all about, but it's preventing me going to bed because I don't know what will happen.

I feel scared, but not full-on panicked. I feel paranoid and got at, when I haven't even spoken to anyone. I feel borderline tearful, yet there's no actual crying. I want to go to bed, but I'm afraid I'll get in a state.

My thinking is very muddied, like my brain is operating from behind a heavy curtain. I keep just staring blankly at the page or screen, unable to process what I'm looking at. Then I'll have a burst of understanding, then it'll be back to the blank stares.

What IS going on?

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Dual identity

Reading back over the blog for the past few days, it reads like a raging whinge-fest.

Every other post, I'm talking about how I can't take any more, how I just want to die. It must be bloody irritating to read, and the 'crying-wolf' effect concerns me.

I guess it can't be helped. The blog has always been dual-purpose: it's a way for me to talk to the world about what's going on, but it's also an opportunity for me to be completely honest about how I feel, including whatever self-indulgent whingeing I feel I need.

No text can simultaneously serve as both open letter and diary, though, so, I apologise for all the end-of-my-tether ranting. It's not there to elicit sympathy, it's just the 'diary' side of the blog taking over.

Having that outlet is crucial for me to get through all this, since at the moment I rarely feel able to actually talk about it with anyone. So whilst I cringe at the thought of people reading all this and thinking 'for christ's sake, either get on with it and top yourself, or shut the fuck up!', I'm afraid I'm going have to keep on writing. I wouldn't blame you if you decided not to keep reading though.

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Concerns over Lofepramine

The Lofepramine worries me; it has so far had no impact on the depression, but the side effects are very bad, especially since the last dosage increase.

I'm getting very bad nausea all day - despite the anti-nausea meds I already take for the morphine - the panic attacks are as bad as they were on the Fluoxetine and my body temperature is all over the place again. The itching-all-over is back too. They're obviously all associated with serotonin, since that's what both Lofepramine and Fluoxetine are all about.

I can put up with the latter ones, but I'm not sure if I can cope with the nausea. I have no appetite again (like when I was on the Tramadol) and often the only cue I get that I need to eat is the sickness getting worse. Eating does ease it, but it's incredibly difficult to make yourself eat when you feel that sick.

Worried about Lofep - nausea worse, body temp. Panics not working

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For some reason, the meds are knocking me flat today.

I'm not getting the dizzy-floatiness, I don't feel spaced out. I just can't stay awake. At one point, I had a snack to try and boost the morphine because the pain was still bad. It was an hour and a half since taking the pill, and within 20 minutes of the snack, I couldn't keep my eyes open again. And it lasted for hours.

I don't understand it. And it makes it difficult when the next pill is due, because it'll make it even harder to stay awake, but the pain is bad enough to need the next dose.

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Friday, 29 April 2011

Terrified again

It's been a shitty day and I expect it'll be an equally shitty night.

The pain's been bad all day - I need to go back to double pills first thing - and my mood has been very low. Like most other days at the moment, I've spent about half my time thinking about knives, pills and tall bridges.

The panics have been back this evening, but with the added dimension of starting to panic, forgetting what I was panicking about and then panicking over the forgetting.

I think it's the loss of faculty that I'm really panicking about, because it's also been happening over forthcoming discussions or decisions that I know will require me to be able to think clearly: I'm scared I won't be able to do that.

For example, I know my landlord is planning to put my rent up, but there are several things he needs to do first, which means I'm going to have to negotiate with him.

He's a friend and I know he won't intentionally screw me over, but he's very business-minded, so he'll be looking out for his own interests, which means I'll have to look out for mine.

But I don't feel capable of doing that, and that's what's panicking me. I'm terrified I won't be able to follow the arguments, and hence will lose out. And the landlord is coming round next week.

Even thinking about it to write this is freaking me out. Everywhere I turn, I just feel scared, lonely and completely unable to cope with the world. What am I going to do?

I can't even look after myself any more. I've always been a very intelligent, very capable, very independent person. Now I feel like a child. I feel completely powerless and incompetent; I don't understand what's going on around me, but I know I should be able to. It's frightening and frustrating. The world won't stop just because I can't cope, so how am I supposed to navigate it?

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Pain today very bad.

Depression still awful.

Feel very sick.

Wish I were dead

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Still here

Well, I'm still here.

I thought the tears would never stop last night. I was crying like a small child, like the world was ending, which was exactly what it felt like.

I suppose the silver lining was that I was so exhausted after all that, that I slept OK.

I find when I get up in the mornings these days, I feel like I've got Parkinson's or something: I'm consumed by tremors. Every muscle shakes and it's a nightmare just trying to move about. I don't know if it's to do with the meds, or whether I'm just so tense when I'm sleeping or what, but thank god it does wear off after a little while.

When I woke briefly to take the slow release pill at 6.45 I decided to try going back to only one. I've been on double dose for well over a week because the neck pressure and resulting headaches have been so bad. The awful shoulder pain as I was getting myself some breakfast suggests that was a mistake however.

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Thursday, 28 April 2011

Can I just die now, please?

I've had enough of all this. I'm scared to go to bed. And tomorrow will be no different than today. And then there's the next day, and the next day, and the one after that. Please make it stop.

11.45 All the pain I've ever had in my shoulder is as nothing compared to how much my soul hurts right now.

That website I found talked about remembering that if you go ahead and kill yourself, you never get to feel the pain stop. Everything just stops. That was a good deterrent before; now it just feels like a reason to go ahead. I don't care if I don't get to feel the pain stop, I just can't keep going *with* the pain.

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Entertainment my arse...

I can't even watch the TV and feel safe. Every time I do, some storyline comes along that leaves me feeling freaked out and vulnerable.

Like yesterday - I was watching an episode of CSI Miami. I was already having panic attacks, then suddenly, a story about child abduction and murder. Great.

Then today - Cold Case, and it's a guy with learning difficulties being abused and bullied whilst his Mum is dying of cancer.

Then there are the car accidents, helicopter rescues, dysfunctional families and heroes-overcoming-disabilities. And, of course, the always the old favourite - child abuse.

Whenever the writers need a good dramatic twist, they throw in a bit of child abuse. It never seems to occur to them that there might actually be people out there who've experienced these things. And perhaps they might not appreciate having their trauma hijacked and trivialised for the sake of some salacious screenplay.

The frequency with which it appears on-screen makes the reality seem mundane and commonplace - not the horrifying abberation that it really is.

We're forced to sit and watch people overcome terrible things with stoic smiles and a background of rousing music. There's no recognition of how hard that actually is to do, or the many, many people who try just as hard but never quite make it. Or the situations that just can't be overcome.

It's not as if I can just not watch (which, of course, is what some smart arse will say). The TV is all I've got at the moment - I can't read because I can't concentrate, and I can't watch movies for the same reason. I can't go out because of the pain and I get too overwhelmed by people to have them round (even if they weren't busy with their own lives and jobs).

So I'm stuck with the only way to pass the time and take my mind off my life, being something that regularly turns around and stabs me in the back.

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Email fallout

God I hate being this fucking fragile.

I got a very supportive email from my boss, and felt I owed her a more detailed explanation than 'signed off for a month', so I wrote back. But of course it raised all sorts of feelings that I can't deal with.

I also had an email from the personnel manager and the rehab consultant. Again, I felt I owed them a fuller response.

I still think it was the right thing to do - if you're going to be off for that length of time you have a responsibility to keep people informed - but all it's done is leave me feeling sad, angry, lonely and guilty. I just want to hide under the covers and cry.

I feel completely overwhelmed, but I don't know what by; I feel upset and worried that I've said the wrong thing and will get in trouble, when logically I know that's not true; I feel angry over stuff they mentioned that doesn't merit anger; angry at myself for potentially saying the wrong thing and for getting myself in such a stupid state over nothing and guilty for opening my big fat mouth in the first place.

It's horrible, it's a mess, and all from a couple of simple-seeming emails. And to cap it all, the whole thing has obviously caused me to really tense up, because the pain is banging away and nothing is helping.

I hate being such a fucking weakling that I can't even deal with a couple of emails without falling apart. It seems like the only way I can keep myself in one piece is to totally cut myself off from the world. But if I do that, how am I ever going to know if I'm feeling any better?

Oh, and I'm scared to look at my email, in case anyone has replied and the whole ridiculous cycle starts all over again.

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Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Nightmare # who-the-hell-knows

I've now found myself at a point where I can't cope with unmediated contact even with certain friends and family.

For a week or so I've been unable to go near Facebook, because I was finding it upsetting reading other people's posts. Sometimes it was that I was taking things personally, when they had nothing to do with me. Sometimes it was that I felt completely overwhelmed by other people's personalities. Other times just that their happiness made me feel irrationally jealous and resentful.

Now I'm finding a similar thing with email and the phone. For weeks, the thought of my work email inbox has terrified me (which, of course, is part of why I'm off sick), but now I'm feeling that way about my private email too. I'm scared to look at it in case there's an email from someone that I don't feel able to deal with, whether it be the person, the topic, or both.

And it's the same with the phone; I can't answer it now unless I know who it is and I feel confident I can talk to them. The only people I can talk to are those where I feel completely in control; I know that at any time I can tell them to stop - the topic, or even the whole conversation - and I'm completely confident that they'll do it, and won't take offence. Anyone who I know has trouble hearing 'stop', or who then acts like I've stabbed them in the eye, is just too dangerous.

Basically, anything that runs even the tiniest risk of upsetting me, making me feel pressured, overwhelmed, or scared, in whatever medium, is too much.

Of course, that's severely limiting my contacts at the moment, and I worry that those I'm not able to be in touch with will walk away, but there's nothing I can do. I just have to hope they understand, and will still be there at the end. It's also making me more and more isolated, which is not a good thing, not to mention the added pressure it's putting on those few unfortunates that I can still talk to.

God, is there no end to this depression?

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Oh god, I feel awful. Very dizzy, sick and shakey. I feel like I can't breathe and I've got stabbing pains in my shoulder.

Every time I lie down and am still, it's like the world is rushing towards me at a hundred miles an hour. There's nothing I can do and nowhere I can go to escape it.

As the world comes rushing at me, it brings the fear with it; it comes swooping in like a wave that I know will completely inundate me.

I can't rest without lying still, but as soon as I stop moving about, I'm overcome by these awful feelings that make rest impossible. It's exhausting and depressing and terrifying. It just never ends.

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So sick

I've felt sick from the moment I got up this morning, and I currently have really bad stomach cramps.

I also increased the Lofepramine to three times a day , but I don't think the two are connected.

I think the nausea is because I didn't take the early slow release pills till 8am. Usually, I wake up around 5 or 6, just long enough to go to the loo and take those pills. Then I go back to sleep till around 8. I think that ordinarily gives the sickness time to go down, but because I didn't wake up, it meant I could only leave an hour after taking them before I needed to get up (to stop the neck pressure kicking off).

I felt sick immediately, but thought some food might help. And of course I had to take all my other meds, including the first morning dose of Lofepramine. Eating did seem to reduce the nausea; it got bad again a few hours later and eating some lunch helped, though the last thing I felt like doing was eating.

Since lunch and the middle Lofepramine of the day, I've developed really bad stomach cramps. I'm now on the lactose-free Lofep, so it can't be that. I'm hoping it's just hormonal, but I don't know.

I'm also getting the kind of falling-asleep-panic-attacks that I usually get at night. I know that's down to the slow release morph, because it starts an hour or so after taking it (5pm) and goes on all evening. So today I get it all day and all night long.

If this keeps happening, I'm going to have to set an alarm for taking the early pills, but I'd really rather not.

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Not only am I taking everything unnecessarily personally at the moment, I'm also getting obssessed by things, then panicking about them for hours on end.

Like yesterday, when I made that silly mistake driving, I then started obssessing about my car insurance. I let it autorenew this year - I followed the instructions, so there's no reason why it shouldn't be perfectly fine, but yesterday I became convinced it hadn't gone through and I was therefore driving illegally. I spent the rest of the trip there, the wait before the appointment and all of the drive home panicking about it.

This morning, I noticed something from work that had been awaiting my attention when I went off sick. Now I'm convinced my lack of response will ruin my chances of getting any kind of financial support if I'm off long term. And I'm panicking like mad about it. Reading something later on in the news about forthcoming cuts to benefits for those unable to work due to disability is making the panic even worse.

I need to find some way not to panic about these things - apart from just cutting myself off so I can't hear about them - but right now I don't know what that is.

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Shakespeare was wrong - it's not 'to sleep, perchance to dream', it's 'to sleep, to fucking sleep!'

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Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Tiny and scared

I was right about needing another couple of pills; took them at 10.30 and had a handful of fruits and nuts at 11 to help them work. They are, but now I'm feeling really low and very scared. It's not panic, like at other times, but it's fear nontheless, and of course I don't know what of.

I feel very small and vulnerable, like a small child. I feel like the whole world is bigger than me, and more complicated than I can understand - out of my grasp in every way. I feel like I'm floating alone on an open sea, or standing in a huge empty park, lost and alone. I can turn in any direction, but there's no-one there.

I can't see a threat anywhere, there's no visible reason to be scared, it's just that I'm all by myself. There's not a single person anywhere who will look after me, make sure I'm OK.

It's just like when I was a kid, and I knew I was facing the world by myself. And it's just like the feelng that came over me in the wreck of the car, when I looked up and saw all the traffic had disappeared. That feeling of being totally and fundamentally alone. That's when you know true terror.

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Another month

I was in bed by 7.30 this evening, after a horrible trip to the doctor's.

It had already been a rough day - lots of shoulder pain, neck pressure, screwdriver-in-the-eye, trouble eating and so on. By the time I got to the surgery, I was feeling really shakey and weak and very very low. I'd also made a stupid mistake whilst driving over there, that I was beating myself up over.

I told the doc that the past week to ten days has been a lot worse, leading up to the anniversary of the accident yesterday. He said he could tell I wasn't well the minute he saw me in the waiting room. I was quite tearful throughout the appointment, but then at the end I broke down in floods of tears. He was obviously very concerned, and looked like he was feeling pretty helpless.

I told him I'm scared that the Lofepramine doesn't seem to be working, yet, and what do we do if it doesn't. The thought of going through the whole running-down-the-old-meds-then-building-up-the-new process again is overwhelming. He didn't really seem to have an answer, but did say that we'd probably add to the Lofepramine rather than replace it, but he'd have to talk to the shrink about it.

He told me to go ahead and increase the Lofepramine dose - to the maximum allowed. I asked how long it could take to work and he said another two to four weeks. I guess that's why he then signed me off till the end of May. It totally floored me at the time, though, and scared me too - that I'm that ill. Since he's usually quite conservative with his sick notes, I'm guessing it means he thinks I'll be at the far end of the time estimate, if it works at all.

I'm also imagining (perhaps wrongly) that the 'additions' he mentioned are likely to be antipsychotics. That thought terrifies me even more. The only reason I'm thinking it though, is that I know it often happens in severe cases of chronic pain.

Coming home after the appointment, I was very conscious of my silly mistake earlier, and the fact that I was driving on had a double dose of morphine. I didn't feel impaired setting off, but you never know. At one roundabout, halfway home, I suddenly completely blanked on who had right of way and which way the traffic should be flowing. Luckily I got it right, but over the rest of the trip I got more and more panicky about being on the road. Suddenly everyone was driving too fast and too silly.

By the time I got home, the pain was building (not least from the stress) and it got worse and worse from then on.

My back was awful and so was my shoulder. I knew I needed to eat something, but all I could manage was a bagel (the same as lunch); even so, I spent several hours afterwards feeling very very sick. I just have no appetite at the moment.

I tried getting the chins out - I needed the cuddles! - but it was just too painful. So here I am, in bed. The morphine has finally kicked in, but I know I'll need more to get any sleep. And then it all begins again tomorrow.

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I find this eating thing really difficult. I'm having to eat when I'm not hungry and I don't want food, just to make the pills work or, like this morning, because I'm feeling sick and migrainey and I know that food would help. It would be so much easier not to have to bother.

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Slept OK but woke up with bad pain and already screwdriver in the eye. Desperately trying to stop it going inti migraine and control the pain enough to make it to the doc's this afternoon.

Also feel quite sick and still very low.

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Monday, 25 April 2011


I have the strangest feeling, one of enormous achievement, just like I did after I sent the letters outing my father as an abuser. I don't know why though. I feel like I have overcome some enormous obstacle and achieved something that I'd always thought was well outside my grasp. But I don't know what it is that I've achieved.

Is it facing the reality of my situation? Or understanding the 'unresolvable conflict'? Realising I can look the whole situation in the eye and not disintegrate? That I can still exist as me, outside of the Accident, just as I discovered I wasn't just composed of the Abuse. Is it seeing my own potential? Seeing that the Bad Stuff doesn't necessarily make Good Stuff impossible?

I think it's that I was suddenly able to see the place that the past four years has left me in, without frills or judgements. I had two choices - to reject what I saw, to keep the barriers in place and hide behind them, or to embrace it, to surrender myself to it. Just like the choice I had to accept that the abuse was real, or to keep doubting what I knew to be true.

The 'easy' answer, to both questions, would have been to keep hiding, but I didn't. I took the difficult choice, and the reward was an unexpected moment of shining clarity and self acceptance.

The point, I think, is that I can withstand the weight of the pain, the morphine and all it represents, and still maintain Me. It doesn't chip away at, change or erode me till what's left is unrecognisable. I can let it get on and do its job, and know that I'll still come out the other end, in tact.

Or to put it more plainly, No, doing whatever it takes to make it through each pain-filled day doesn't mean - as I've always secretly feared it did - that I'm going to turn into a lazy, sponging junkie. It just means I'm going to be able to get up and make it through the next pain-filled day as well.

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'Fatal error'

Mentally, I'm not feeling too bad now (although I'm starting to have really bad panic attacks since taking the last morphine pills, which doesn't bode well for tonight, and I feel very sick, probably because I haven't eaten enough). What's weird, though, is that I genuinely can't remember what it was that I was in such a meltdown over.

I mean, I know it was all triggered by the anniversary, but, for instance, I can't remember what it was that set me off into floods of tears each time. I know my head has been a swirl of thoughts and images and memories and fears for about the past 22 hours solid. But what were they? It's really disconcerting to have had a complete break down, and then be able to remember nothing about it ON THE SAME DAY.

There was mind-blowing shoulder pain, neck pressure, migraine. I couldn't sit or stand up. I felt stoned and sick. I hadn't slept. But that's all I remember.

I suspect it was the weight of all the pain over all those months hitting me all at once, and the potential for it to go on, ad infinitum. The 'no way out' thing, where no matter what I try, what I do, there's no way to stop the pain, except to kill myself. And since I don't actually want to do that, there was an impossible conflict. I think my mind just shorted out on it all - a mental version of a computer's 'Windows has experienced a fatal error and needs to close'. It couldn't resolve the conflict, and it collapsed in on itself trying.

I assume my difficulty remembering is my mind's way of protecting me: everything needed to go to pieces, it did and now it's done.

I'm desperately hoping that's also why the past week has been so bad, mentally and physically, and that things can now start to improve, because I can't tolerate much more of what's been going on lately - the pain, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, all of it.

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Not quite so tearful now and am managing to sit up, though only propped up with various cushions, and still have pain.

The problem now is I know I should eat something, but I can't bring myself to. I have absolutely no interest in food whatsoever, not even the snack I should be having now to help boost the morphine.

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The awful night continued into a horrible day.

I finally tried sleeping again at 5am and managed an hour or so. I took the double dose at 5 and was woken repeatedly by the pain stabbing in my shoulder, even though I felt totally stoned. It never quite broke through though, and after such a hideous night, I really wanted to have a morphine-free day.

That quickly became impossible though - when I tried sitting up the pain morphed into neck pressure that caused a full-on migraine. I had to take morphine and migraine stuff and go back to bed. I've been unable even to stand up since then, never mind sit in a chair. I'm trapped in bed.

My left arm has also been numb most of the day, and at one point I was struggling to even move my fingers.

The depression was been some of the worst ever. I've been in tears most of the day, I can't bear to talk to anyone, though I've been desperate to know they were there. I should have organised company for the anniversary, but I've never felt this bad on this day before - it's taken me totally by surprise.

I need to get over to the doctor's tomorrow, but god knows if I'll make it. I wonder if he can sign me off over the phone.

I got up just now to put the aircon on for the chins - I was hoping that after hours of lying down, I'd cope a bit better with that, and have a chance of being able to get up for the evening, but no such luck - the neck pressure was just as bad, and the migraine immediately started again. So it looks like I'll be stuck here for hours more.

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Four years

Four years.

I'm lying here, in the middle of yet another shit night, having woken up from what looks likely to've been the only 90 minutes of sleep I'm going to get - complete with horrible nightmare - but tonight there's an added dimension. It was four years ago today that all this started.

I'm zonked off my face on morphine that is still only barely holding the pain at bay, remembering the day that stupid bint fucked up my life.

How I was getting to grips with a new job.
How I'd come home to my new flat the night before and gone mountain biking across the muddy fields. How I woke up with bad earache and popped round to my new doctor's surgery for a prescription. How I rang work from the waiting room to say I'd be late. How I discovered that rural surgeries have a pharmacy and give you the medication not the script. How I got to the pharmacy window, only to find my wallet was empty. How I talked the woman into giving me the eardrops and letting me come back and pay later, despite the sign saying they categorically wouldn't do that. How I got to the office and my new colleague told me I had good taste in shoes. How I left work 20 minutes early, to get to the surgery in time. How I was going to the movies that evening with friends, but needed to talk the
out of seeing 'Hot Fuzz'.

That it was a glorious sunny day and I wished the sunroof on the car worked. That the traffic was light and I had the music turned up loud.

Starting to accelerate as I came to the end of the 30 zone. The way the little blue car coming towards me fishtailed coming out of the bend, and I thought 'shit, that was stupid'. Seeing the driver look up, startled, and wrestle with the wheel, trying to correct it. The way her car started to turn in slow motion, sliding towards me. Wondering if it would hit me or slide past and hit the Audi behind. Was there anything I could do. The car getting closer and closer, then everything exploding into black.

Waking up, trying to undo my seatbelt and feeling pain all across my chest. Begging the man who came to the door to help me. Seeing smoke rising from the engine compartment, and the man trying to open the bonnet to see if it was on fire. Wondering where the blue car had gone and if it had hit anyone else. Feeling the front of the footwell squashing my legs, so I couldn't get my foot off the brake. The man holding my head to keep my neck still till the ambulance came. The grit lorry driver complaining that he had to get past. The teacher who had to get the three teenagers in her car home. The ambulanceman putting a mask on my face, lifting up my shirt, asking me to wiggle my fingers and toes. The numbness and tingling up and down my arms and legs, thinking I was paralysed. The pain in my chest and my neck. Feeling I couldn't breathe, that I was suffocating. The backed-up traffic suddenly gone; feeling that I was completely alone and abandoned. The paramedic saying 'that's for you', then seeing the big white helicopter land. The doctor giving me injections, the fireman covering us in a sheet. 'Breaking glass', then crunching metal. The vertigo as they lifted me up towards the sky on the backboard, not knowing where the ground was or if they'd let me fall. Begging them to find my favourite jacket. The policeman asking me who to call. Being posted through a tiny slot into the helicopter, still strapped to the backboard. The crewman saying the flight would be very noisy but only last a few minutes. How it took an eternity for them to actually take off.

Lying in A&E having stickers stuck all over my chest, tests, x-rays. Listening to the disembodied voices of the nurses just out of sight. Screaming in panic for them to untie me, convinced I was paralysed. Phoning my sister, hearing the fear in her voice. Not knowing who the man apologising to me was, till he said the driver was his wife. The look on my mum and my sister's faces when they arrived.

The doctor telling me nothing was broken, and I'd be fine in a few days.

Believing him.

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Saturday, 23 April 2011

Emotional imperative

You can only fight an extreme emotional reaction for so long.

There's the catalyst, whatever that may be, but you try not to react. Maybe it's because you're worried it'll make things worse (eg the urge to scream at the noisy neighbours), because the natural reaction would be prejudicial or even illegal (telling your boss exactly what you think of them) or because what you want to do is potentially dangerous (venting your rage on the road).

But eventually, if the circumstances persist - the catalyst is still in play, no-one else appears to relieve the pressure, your emotions keep building - there WILL BE an explosion. The reaction you've been trying to avoid will inevitably happen.

When all that means is that you suddenly find yourself acting out the impulse - broom in hand, hammering on the ceiling and screaming 'it's 4am - turn the fucking music down!' that's not such a big deal.

But when that impulse is you sawing into your own wrist, watching the blood bead on the surface, fascinated and unmoved... When that's the impulse you're fighting, finding that it's already become a reality is nothing short of catastrophic.

It's not that I'm afraid of that reality - as far as I'm concerned, it's inevitable - it's just that when I get there, I want to be sure it's a conscious decision. And I'm scared it won't be.

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Mood dipping dangerously low again. Pain rising too; it did go down a bit for an hour, but now it's getting worse again. And I feel like crap.

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'Better' day

On balance, a better day today; still 6 top-up pills, but that's been enough, rather than struggling to keep it down to that.

I've also managed to spend the whole day out of bed, and even made it to the shop a little bit this morning. After the past few days, that's a big improvement.

This evening, I took two 10mg slow release pills instead of one 20mg, to see if the sickness was any better - it was. The 10s still contain lactose, but obviously not as much, even taking two of them.

The pain's quite bad at the moment, and I've already had to make the 7pm top-up a double dose.

I suspect it's going to stay bad (I wish I'd done the chins earlier!) so it could well require another couple of pills before bed, and it could be another hideous night, but I just have to hope not; there's nothing more I can do at the moment. The one good thing is that I managed to resist the urge to do too much earlier on that always comes on a 'better' day, so if it does go downhill now, I know it's not my fault.

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Friday, 22 April 2011

The reason I'm getting so nauseous in the evenings is that the slow release morphine pills contain lactose. It happens in the evening rather than the morning because that's when I take the double dose.

No way am I trying a different morphine - better the devil you know - so I'll just have to up the cyclizine (anti-nausea pill).

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I couldn't let the chins out earlier because I was feeling too sick and dizzy from the 4pm pills. Now I can't let them out because the pain's exploded. Which has also meant I've had to take more pills, so the sick and dizziness is about to get way worse.

Enough already.

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I've been thinking about it a lot today.

Usually it's at night that things get so bad that my mind fills with those kinds of thoughts. But the pain's been so bad today, I've been taking so many pills and they've been having so little effect. It's just starting to seem like time.

I've pretty much settled on the 'how'. The 'why' is pretty bloody obvious.

Which leaves only the 'when'.

I suppose the question is, how much more can I take:

Where's the line in morphine consumption? I'm already, on occasion, taking more in a day than when I was on it regularly. The more I have to take, the less effective lower doses become, so the more I have to take. When is it too much?

If the Lofepramine doesn't help, can I bear to go through it all again in order to try another new antidepressant? Presumably, it would once again mean weeks coming off it, then weeks building up something new. Can I bear this depression for that long?

If the pain levels stay this high, how long can I bear it?

Am I prepared to wait the 12 to 18 months to see if the orthopaedic surgeon is right about frozen shoulders always freeing up?

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So much pain, I can't move or breathe. And that's despite the double dose slow release pill at 5.30am. Neck pressure and head have been bad since then, but now shoulder has kicked off too.

There are no words.

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Thursday, 21 April 2011

Average life expectancy for a woman now is 80 years.

That would mean I'm only half way through. It would mean as long as I've been alive, all over again, in mind-numbing, screaming pain.

No, that's not OK. I have absolutely no intention of letting that happen.

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Dysfunctional and sick of it

I hate that the depression takes away my sense of humour and makes me overreact to everything.

I take offense at ordinary everyday sarcasm, even though I know it's not meant. I take comments that are meant to be funny or acerbic personally, even though I know what's really being said. I get offended by people doing things in their lives that have absolutely nothing to do with me. Any kind of teasing, no matter how well meant, is utterly devastating to me: I just burst into tears.

The depression has left me so fragile and vulnerable that I can't function in the normal world. I have to hide myself away because if I didn't, I'd wind up driving away everyone I care about by my irrational, OTT responses.

When is this bloody medicine going to start working?

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After four days of double dose quick release pills, I went for double dose slow release this morning. So far, it seems to be a good idea, though I'm having to sit very rigidly with my arm immobilised.

1.15. I've had a lot of pain and neck pressure, but have managed to keep it from going into the headache/migraine. I think it's because the extra slow release morphine is keeping the muscles in my back and neck from tensing too badly. It means that this morning
I managed on single dose top ups instead of double, and I've only just taken the first double dose.

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Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Panics and flashbacks

Oh god. I'm terrified. The panic attacks are hovering and I'm having flashbacks to the awful dreams. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I've been on double dose morphine all day till late afternoon, when I went back to singles. It was ok till the pain flared after the 7pm pill. I had to wait till 9 to take a double dose to try and sleep, but now the panics are there and every time I start to drift off, I find myself in one of the nightmares where I can't be sure what's real and what's not. So I don't know whether the threat inherent in the panic attack is real or not. It's terrifying and I don't know what to do about it.

If I sit up and distract myself like I normally would, the morphine will wear off and I'll be back in pain again. But if I don't, I'll have to put up with the panics. When is this going to be over?

11.45 Distraction activity and food is often the only solution, so - Masterchef and cereal it is.

12.15 What a surprise - three hours after the last morphine and the pain is once more building. When do I ever get just a tiny little break?

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Tuesday, 19 April 2011

I don't want to get better. I don't want to go back to work. All I really want right now is to just die in my sleep. Sorry, but it's true. I just want to not be here any more.

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I don't know what to say

I started the liquid Lofepramine yesterday. It tastes revolting and it's a pretty daunting thought, having to experience that taste several times a day for god knows how long. It'd better be a bloody good antidepressant!

I got up just now to get the medicine and nearly passed out, and I now feel completely out of it and very sick. It's several hours since I've taken a morphine pill so I can only imagine it's down to the Cyclizine.

I have found once before that it made me totally spaced out and the pharmacist mentioned it can do that, when she dragged me in to that meeting, but it's definitely taken me by surprise. I know when I lie down it's going to be way worse. And I'm going to need to take one or even two more morphine pills to go to bed.

How the fuck am I supposed to keep living like this?

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Crappy day

Lot of time in bed today, double morphine every three hours to keep the neck pressure, headache and shoulder pain under control.

Feel shakey and miserable now. Just want to keep sighing melodramatically, and stare at the wall.

Work's been on my mind all day and is still freaking me out.

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I tried curling up in my chair this morning, the way I like to. It obviously trapped a nerve because it immediately triggered a horrible headache.

I took two pills, which for the past two days has worked, but it only reduced it a bit, and my shoulder was still stabbing. I've had to take another two pills, less than three hours later; now my head just feels muddy and thick.

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Monday, 18 April 2011


Despite how shit I was feeling at the time, the psychologist said I was looking good. At least she didn't say I was looking well, I suppose.

I guess it's to do with having put on a bit of weight, and also my hair looking a bit more 'styled' now it's growing out a bit more.

I wish I felt as good as I apparently looked, because I feel like shit. My mood is still really low since the appointment, and my attempt to reduce the morphine a bit (I've been on double dose for the past three days because if the neck pressure) failed, and I've been in quite a bit of pain all evening. The thought of handfuls of pills has been swirling round my head all evening. I feel miserable and am dreading tonight because of the panic attacks.

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Shitty psychologist's appointment. Spent the entire time in tears, totally confused by everything she was saying and everything I was saying.

Now feel completely drained and very very low.

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Another horrible night.

The panic attacks were back with a vengeance, and I couldn't sleep. I then managed to knock a glass of squash all over the bedroom carpet.

Eventually I did manage to drop off, but I still feel pretty shit this morning. At least the pharmacy called to say the elusive prescription is in.

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All I want us to sleep. Why is that so bloody hard?

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Sunday, 17 April 2011

Been feeling sick all afternoon. Forcing myself to eat some tea, in case it helps.

Maybe it's significant that my peanut butter bagel wound up face down on the kitchen floor before I'd even taken a bite out of it....

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I slept most of the morning but pain-wise was doing OK till I cleaned out the chins. Doing that has kicked off the same pain and neck pressure I had yesterday, which means the headache is on the way.

I think the problem is slightly opening out my arm (ie raising the elbow to the side). I don't do it intentionally, but I'm pretty sure that's what happened yesterday and I can only assume I did the same thing cleaning the chins.

I've taken a pill to try and head things off, so now I can only hope it works. It also means I have to sit in a very stiff, regimented position, because I remember yesterday that curling up how I like to made it worse.

Actually, thinking about yesterday and the way one pill made no difference over and over again, and so I ended up taking them every two hours, I've taken a second straight away - better that than one after another for the rest of the day.

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Saturday, 16 April 2011

Can't win

I took two morphine pills at 6.30 and the neck pressure and headache have finally gone.

I'm so stoned, I can't sit up though, do have retired to bed and now my shoulder is kicking off despite all the morphine, and it's bloody painful.

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The panic attacks are back, as bad ad before - the extra Lofepramine.

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I've had a terrible headache all afternoon from awful neck pressure. I can feel it coming straight from my shoulder. I've taken four or five morphine pills and spent the afternoon in bed; the headache let up for a little while when I'd got the most morphine in my system, but to keep that up, I'd have to keep taking and taking them.

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I'm pissed off, fed up, and fucked off.

I want to throw things round the room, but it would hurt too much.

I want to shop and spend but I can't walk round a store and online buying means no goodies today.

I want to stuff my face, but everything makes me sick.

I want to get blind drunk, but I'm already on so many meds.

I want to drive like a nutter, but we all know where that can lead.

I want to beat the shit out of someone, but it would be agony for me.

I want to shout and scream, but I already tried that and it fucking hurt.

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Pissed off

Terrific. This lactose-free liquid Lofepramine is about as available as hen's teeth.

I tried four pharmacies this morning, no-one had it, it's now on order, but could take 4-5 WORKING DAYS to come in. And I had to pretty much torture the fucking idiot-assistant just to get that information out of her. She seemed to think it was sufficient just to say 'we'll let you know' over and over. No, no, you raging twat. IT'S NOT LIKE I NEED THE FUCKING STUFF!

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Bodes ill

Yesterday, I only took two top-up pills. This would be excellent news, if it weren't for the fact that experience tells me today's going to be an absolute raging nightmare.

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Friday, 15 April 2011

Used the brief respite to deal with the email from my mum about the way she ran out on me a few weeks ago. Wish I hadn't though - now feel jittery, vulnerable, and generally crap.

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Morphine from half an hour ago is kicking in, pain is subsiding and muscles feel relaxed. Tummy cramps have also backed off a bit. Brief respite, very welcome.

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More problems

Since doubling the dose of Lofepramine, I've been having terrible stomach cramps.

I figured it was to do with the pills, but didn't think it was also down to the lactose till a friend suggested it. I did a bit of research and discovered stomach cramps are a symptom of lactose-intolerance, just like the nausea.

I called the doc to discuss it because I hadn't heard from him about a lactose-free alternative. He said he's posted me a prescription for a liquid version of the same antidepressant but without the lactose. Apparently, 'it's hideously expensive, but you're worth it', as he put it.

I've just checked the mailbox, but there was nothing, so I'm going to have to keep taking the pills till it arrives. Hope it gets here soon.

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Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Shades of reality

I'm finding it really difficult to distinguish the boundaries of reality, because of the weird dreams I keep having.

The dreams are never the same, but they share key characteristics. In each one, I'm in some kind of mundane situation (a snowy town, waiting to go into an exam, that sort of thing) with people I know (but not always my actual friends).

Then there's a series of scenes, in the same location, where each time there's been some small but fundamental change (a bit like a rolling Spot the Difference). On top of that, for each change I dream that I've woken from a dream. So I'm forever looking round in confusion, then realising it's a dream.

Sometimes the scenario is clearly not real, but sometimes it's in places I know with people I know. It all seems so real, that I end up with no idea what's real and what's not. And that sense of dislocation carries on throughout the day; I have no idea whether what I'm 'remembering' really happened or not.

I think I know what's going on; I think it's a reflection of the 'rabbiting' that my brain is constantly doing, scrabbling around trying to find a way out of the pain and disability. Of course it never finds one, because there is none, but these dreams are freaking me out.

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Tuesday, 12 April 2011


I've been sitting here for an hour trying to understand why I feel so hideous, and to put it into words here.

My landlord/friend came round to do a couple of jobs, and spent the entire two hours talking incessantly about the work being done on their house. I couldn't get a word in edgeways, he showed no interest in me or anything I tried to say. I felt completely bombarded and like I was drowning in his personality.

Ever since, I've felt totally numb and empty, wanting to die but not even having the strength to feel that feeling.

I know this friend is overpowering, but I didn't realise how bad it was. He tends to use talking to people as a way of problem-solving: just thinking out loud basically. He had to come round a couple of weeks ago and I knew I couldn't cope with him talking for hours, so I told him I needed him to just do the job and go. This time, I thought I could cope, but clearly I couldn't.

I feel angry with him for doing that to me, for not thinking that maybe this wasn't an appropriate time for one of his ruminating sessions (his wife is a close friend of mine, who knows what's been going on). I'm angry with myself for not telling him to work-and-go, and I'm disappointed in myself for being such a fucking weakling And I'm scared shitless by the whole experience; if I can't cope with a good friend visiting for two hours, what hope do I have of ever getting back to work?

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Update after Doctor's appointment

Saw the doc yesterday.

I told him the only thing that's changed since the last time is the side effects. He wasn't surprised the Lofepramine isn't work yet, and told me to double the dose. He's going to look into a lactose-free alternative, because the nausea is bad enough already, without doubling it. And apparently I can't just take it all at night - it has to be spread throughout the day.

There's been no improvement in the pain, and I told him about the 90mg-morphine day on Saturday.

Once again, I was expecting to have to argue with him about the fact that I still don't feel up to work, but the reality was very different. He asked what I thought about work and I said I just didn't feel I was able to; he surprised me by saying he absolutely didn't feel I was able to either.

The pain behaved during the appointment, and though it didn't exactly flare up driving home, by the time I got home, I was feeling absolutely awful. I was feeling really really low, my shoulder was bad, my back was very painful and I was desperate to lie down.

I felt bloody awful and I just curled up in a corner for the night. I woke up feeling not much better, and the pain's been bad all day. I've had several reassuring messages from work, but I still felt like shit.

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Monday, 11 April 2011

Going to have to move the Lofepramine to the evening because the nausea is so bad all afternoon...

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Sunday, 10 April 2011

Feeling bloody awful

I feel like I've taken twice as many pills as I actually have this evening. It's horrible, I feel completely stoned, dizzy as hell, I've got a nasty headache and I feel very very sick.

It's been a very tough weekend - the pain's been especially bad at night, to the point that yesterday I took a total of 90mg of morphine! Both Friday and Saturday night I had to take pills throughout the night, and when food didn't help them to work, I had to take extra paracetemol.

I had hideous stomach pains for hours this morning and they're back again now.

The depression's been bad all weekend too. My sister was staying, so at least I wasn't alone, but I still spent a lot of time crying. We were going to go enjoy the sunshine in a beer garden somewhere, but I couldn't bear the idea of all those people.

Interestingly, I didn't have the awful dreams while she was here - I guess the underlying sensation of unidentified threat is all about feeling alone. I'm not looking forward to tonight though, not only because of the dreams but because both of the last two nights, my sister had to come in and sit with me because the pain was so bad. And she's not here now.

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Saturday, 9 April 2011

It was a pretty lousy day on Friday. The pain was bad from first thing, so I spent the whole day stoned on meds, which in turned made me feel sick all day.

The upside was my sister made it over for the weekend, but now I'm lying here at 1.30am trying to decide at what point the pain is bad enough to justify waking her up. It's like when I was a kid and wanted to call my mum after a nightmare, but didn't know if it was really scary enough so she wouldn't shout at me.

I know my sis won't shout, but I don't want to disturb her unnecessarily. But how do I work out when it's necessary?

3am. Made the call at 1.45. Sis sat and held my hand for an hour. Have taken three pills since midnight, pain still bad and have pretty much given up on sleep. Tried eating, but no help. Have just taken additional paracetemol, to see if that does.

Sent sis back to bed - no sense in both of us being up all night. Back to the DVDs.

8am. The paracetemol-combo worked. Wish I'd remembered to try it sooner, but in the throes of agony, it slipped my mind.

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Thursday, 7 April 2011

Scared to sleep

I'm dreading going to sleep because of the weird dreams.

They're not exactly nightmares, but every time, there's a subtle unsettling undertone that leaves me feeling freaked out.

All the dreams are of very ordinary situations, but with some odd twist that seems perfectly reasonable inside the dream, because it's in context, but as soon as you wake up and think about it in the real world, it becomes insidious and claustrophobic and creepy.

I wish I could just stay awake.

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Bloody typical. I'd been resting quite comfortably, as they say, had taken one pill at 11 and was doing ok. Then decided to empty the kitchen bin. By the time I'd got up, changed specs and reached for a suitable top, the pain had gone stupid and now I'm back stuck in bed, waiting for another pill to kick in.

All I wanted to do was take the bloody bin out!

A morphine pill and an hour's rest later and the bin is done. Wish I hadn't though - now feel dizzy, sick and in a lot of pain.

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Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Can't sleep. Took two pills couple hours ago - has eased the pain but am feeling very zonked and can't sleep.

Keep getting the sense of impending panic, but it never comes to anything, then get the overwhelming sense that I've forgotten something really important, sometimes something bad, sometimes something good.

Am afraid the pills will wear off and the pain will be back before I drop off, and then I'll have to take more morphine.

I've taken some chamomile pills, but so far, no dice.

1.45am. Spent couple hours doing crossword puzzles and reading National Geographic to try and tire myself out. Am now up to date on African volcanoes, domestication-gene research in foxes and a 178-back-to-back-marathons trip around Alaska. About to try sleep again ...

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I miss dressing nicely to go to work.

I've got so many nice clothes, but all I wear all day is trackie bottoms and a fleece.

I want to look nice again.

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Pain still very bad at 6.45, so took another pill, and now having tea (bagel) at 7.30. Thing is, I'm not hungry and I didn't want any tea. I don't like being forced to eat like this.

I don't like it, but it works. An hour after eating and the pain is easing.

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New schedule

Started my new eating regime today, designed to maximise the benefit of the morphine. So far, it's working well.

I noticed a definite increase in the effect if this morning's slow release pill after eating breakfast, and I purposely timed the quick release one I needed later on for approx an hour before lunch: it worked as suspected - eating boosted the morphine.

Managed to delay the quick release one this afternoon till 3, then had a small snack at 4 to boost it. I took the Oxycontin at 5, and as I hoped, because I didn't then eat at 6, the side effects are more bearable. That's also meant I've been able to take the evening Oxynorm an hour earlier because of spiking pain levels, something that would've been impossible yesterday - I would've been forced to just sit through it.

So, I can have tea at 7 (usually it would be 8, but obviously I'm now running an hour early).

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Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Hating FB

Feeling horribly tearful, guilty and panicky after reading a post on FaceBook.

One of my friends posted that she's very stressed and working from bed. My boss is an FB friend of hers (not mine, intentionally), so I saw her reply, that she knows how that feels.

I feel awful because the reason my boss is overworked and stressed is because I'm off sick and so is the third member of our team.

I know I can't help it, I know it's up to the company to manage resourcing, I know my boss doesn't blame me and I know my reaction shows again how unfit I am for work at the moment, but I just what to scream and cry and run and hide. I can't cope with anything and I hate it.

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This blood sugar-morphine thing is a problem.

I've been taking the evening slow release at 5pm, having tea at 6 then the quick release at 7.

But I keep finding that the kick to the morphine provided by the boost in blood sugar leaves me feeling really out of it by 7, when I should be taking the evening's quick release one. It makes me feel so weird that I daren't take the 7pm pill, even though I need it. So I'm left stoned and in pain.

If I move the slow release to 6pm at the same time as eating, that might resolve the problem, but it also might be that the food then limits absorption of the 7pm quick release pill. Eating at 8pm - an hour after the quick release - is too late - I'll starve to death by then!

I suppose I could try taking the slow and quick release together at 6, eating at 7, but I think that would be even worse because 25mg would be activated by the food.

Eating my main meal at lunchtime would probably be the best option, but I don't know if I can get used to that, and it won't be any good when I'm back at work.

Key points:
Boosting 20mg evening morphine with food is unnecessary and counterproductive
10mg quick release at 7pm often does need food boost
Lunchtime main meal would be better
Blood sugar needs to be kept constant

12pm - main meal
4pm - scheduled snack (fruit, salad, nuts etc)
5pm - 20mg evening slow release morphine
7pm - 5mg quick release morphine
8pm - tea (sandwich or similar) to boost morph
When lunchtime main meal not possible, eat proper tea with 20mg slow release pill at 5/6pm

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Sorry this is scary

There's a weird kind of freedom to my situation. I know this is going to scare anyone reading it, and that's not my intention, but here it is.

I have no desire to prolong this horrible existence, which means that all sorts of things that would normally be scary, aren't.

For instance, I was watching something on TV with an armed car jacking. In the past, that thought would've scared me, but not any more.

You see, if I don't care about living like this, what's scary about someone waving a gun in my face? I'd just tell them to go ahead. Chances are they wouldn't actually shoot me anyway, and if they didn't, I'd have foiled a theft. If they did - well, who wants to live like this anyway?

And health scares - not so scary anymore. Like the smear test request I decided to ignore the other week. Or the slightly odd-looking mole on my arm that I'd normally get checked out. Why bother? If there is something there, it just means a potential end to all this pain.

And that can only be a good thing.

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Without the Fluoxetine in my system, the zonked-out-ness from the double dose of morphine I had to take earlier is quite benign and pleasant.

There's no dizziness, no panic, minimal itching, no world-spinning, no breathlessness. Just feeling very tired.

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Pain still bloody awful but at least mood has lifted a little bit - stopped the incessant crying anyway.

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Have just spent an hour printing photos on my new laptop and printer and am now in excruciating pain. Had to shift the laptop a few times and can only imagine that's why, since I got away with the printer-faffing the other day (which was the same situation, except the laptop stayed still).

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Pain levels were OK yesterday, but depression was awful.

Slept OK last two nights, but as soon as I tried going back to bed after using the loo at 7 this morning the pain in my shoulder kicked off and went straight into my head. So now I can't lie down without a migraine, and the shoulder pain is awful sitting up.

I can't win.

Addendum - depression awful again. Floods of tears all over again and just can't bear to keep living like this.

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Sunday, 3 April 2011

I'm scared of tonight. Scared to try and go to sleep, scared of the pain, scared that it'll be like it was last night.

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So scared

I can't trust anything any more, and it scares the shit out of me.

I can't trust the pain signals my body is sending. I can't trust my body to do the things I want it to, when I want it to. I can't trust the meds to make me feel better, I can't trust the side effects to be predictable. I can't even trust my own feelings.

The depression and the meds are screwing me up so much that I don't know what I'm feeling, or why. Am I angry? Scared? Sad?

Not being able to identify any of this means I feel like I'm drowning in a maelstrom of swirling emotions. Is it about me or someone else? Who am I angry at, what am I scared of?

I constantly feel like I've done something terrible to someone, but I don't know who or what. I feel like I've forgotten something critical, but what or why?

The whole thing is terrifying. I just want to burst into tears.

Why am I still doing this? Because I can't trust myself to know whether I really want to or not. And that's not a decision you want to get wrong.

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I seem to be having an extreme reaction to this evening's slow release pill. I feel completely stoned, as weak as a baby - I don't even have the strength to lift my head - and totally out of it. My muscles all feel like lead - incredibly heavy and very tense.

Unfortunately, I'm also in a lot of pain - I need a quick release pill, but Christ knows what'll happen if I take one.

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Still bad

Very very shakey all morning from the morphine, but at least it dampened the pain for a little while. Now it's off again, and I've already had to take another two pills and am back in bed. Feeling low, helpless and hopeless.

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Pill, food and para

Still no effect from all the morphine I took last night, until I took this morning's paracetemol. I tried boosting blood sugar after two of the doses last night, but it didn't do anything.

At 6.30 I took two para and had some toast - now the 5.30 Oxycontin has kicked in.

So, it looks like it takes both food and paracetemol to boost the morphine (and weed, though that's been no good lately, because it adds to much zonked-out-ness).

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Thank God for technology.

How much worse would this situation be without portable DVD players to while away the endless hours of darkness, without the Internet to find things to help me get through the day, without online shopping to keep me in coke and movies, without email and texts to not feel so alone and without this blog to vent and rant.

If I'd been in this situation 20 years ago, it would have been a very different landscape.

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So much fucking pain.

Took pills at 10, 11.30, and 12.30. It's not helping. I can't sleep, I just keep drifting away on the drugs then the pain jerks me back again. I tried eating to boost my blood sugar - no good.

Nothing's working, so I've now taken two more pills. I'm terrified it'll just make me more stoned, but I don't know what else to do and I need it to stop.


4.30am. No change. Can't sleep. Only effect from the pills has been horrible tension through all my muscles. Only improvement is I'm now not fantasising about swallowing a whole box of pills.


5.45am. Still awake. Still in pain. Double dose of slow release pill.

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Saturday, 2 April 2011

Mood falling, pain rising, probably in direct correlation with each other. Already taken pill number three, two hours ago, now trying to avoid number four. Feel angry and miserable.

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So far today, only two top-up pills. Two! Compared to seven yesterday. Oh yeah.

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I've had two separate instances today of feeling quite cheerful.

Both were following some kind of achievement (booking an appointment to look forward to and sorting the printer). The first instance only lasted about an hour and I've yet to see how long the second will last.

The point, though, is that for weeks on end, nothing has been able to lift my mood even a little bit, so even if these blips are shortlived, they're still an improvement and hopefully mean the Lofepramine will ultimately help.

2.5 hours later and still doing OK.

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I know I'm going to regret this in a big way tomorrow, but I have battled and won against the new printer. It now works.

Had it worked the first time around, instead of the fourth, I probably wouldn't be looking at such a shitty Sunday, but still...

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Finally managed to get some sleep last night - thank god! - but this morning, feel exhausted and hung over from all the meds. Mood is still low, have no motivation and am swimming in apathy. Feel quite shakey too, possibly part of the 'hangover'.

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Friday, 1 April 2011

Pill BEFORE food

Very little effect from this evening's 20mg Oxycontin, despite being up-to-date on Paracetemol. Yesterday, it worked fine. The difference is when I ate - before the pill today, after yesterday. So, it definitely needs to be pill THEN food, to get maximum effect.

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Feel like shit

Finally managed to get up about an hour ago. Now in lot of pain, feel crappy and tearful, want to hide under the covers.

Feel restless, want to do something - anything - but there's nothing I can do, because anything I try to do just makes the pain worse and means tomorrow will be even shittier than today. Like that feels fucking possible right now.

Addendum: Well, doing stuff doesn't help - found some things I could do, and now I just feel angry and upset because I feel I've done them all wrong.

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Chat with Personnel went OK, except I got upset, which triggered even worse pain. Had already had to take a pill, which seemed to have worked, but now the pain's come screaming back again, so I've had to take another, which so far had done absolutely nothing. Great.

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Back to square one

Had a crappy night and feel like shit this morning. Got maybe two hours of very broken sleep, am tired, crabby and very low. Feel spaced out from slow release pill I took at six.

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Woken up by bad electric shock pains. Also hungry - taken pill & if doesn't work, will try eating in a bit.

3.15am - managed to doze off for a little while but pain still bad, so tried a snack. Feel sick now though.

4am - still bad. Feel tearful and miserable. The fact that the snack didn't help doesn't necessarily mean the theory is wrong -i couldn't take any more paracetemol because I'm already maxed out. And sometimes it does just need another pill. So having to take one.

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