Sunday, 30 January 2011

What a bloody waste of a weekend.

Out of the 48hrs, I have managed 6hrs out of bed. Six poxy hours. There is no freakin' point to this. None.

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Thursday, 27 January 2011


Almost felt like a normal member of the workforce today.

Started at a normal time, got loads done, was able to be proactive as well as reactive and kept working till a normal time. Did have to lie down and rest a.m and p.m, but I can live with that.

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Tuesday, 25 January 2011

No Way Out

Two weeks two days till the orthopaedics appointment. Assuming he tries the injection there and then (which is far from certain), how do I get through the time between now and the apt? With these pain levels, how the fuck do I make it through 16 days?

The pain is too bad to work, the depression and suicidal thoughts are unbearable if I have nothing to do.

I'm screwed.

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Saturday, 22 January 2011

Teetering on the brink

I came perilously close to overdosing on Friday night, initially intentionally, then accidentally. I realised that breaking up Tramadol pills was a bad idea, but I was so desperate to stop feeling that wretched that I nearly took a load of morphine just to knock me out. And now i'm back there again.

The pain is just so bad, and has been for so long, and there's no end in sight. The desire to make it all go away feels as inexorable as gravity. I don't know how to NOT do it.

How can I keep living like this, day after day in a haze of pain and drugs? Why should I? What's the point? Each day I get up and just wait too see how long I can go before the pain gets so bad I have to hit the morphine. It's hardly what you'd call a life.

I'm lurching from one pain explosion to the next, each time travelling via brain-numbing, mind-altering chemical shit. I always hated even taking a headache pill - now look at me.

I survived all that shit with my dad, just so I could live out my days in fucking agony. Terrific.

I don't know how much longer I'm willing to wait before I finally do something about it.
Christ I wish I'd never made it out of that car. Sorry, but it's true.

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Friday, 21 January 2011

I spent hours last week thinking about knives, arteries, what would be best, quickest etc.

Now I'm fantasising about breaking open Tramadol capsules so the opiates act immediately. Should I eat the powder, inhale it, what?

This scares me.

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Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Morphine and Food

Having trouble with eating vs morphine again.

I seem to now be taking enough morphine that it's surpressing my appetite. What I've only just realised tho (probably because of all the other meds I was on before) is that if you don't have enough calories, the morphine zonks you out even more than normally.

I discovered this by nearly collapsing in Tescos. Hadn't eaten much for couple days and went to try and find something to tempt me to eat. Had to take morphine pill before I went. Big wait at the cash desk (don't get me started) and felt so weak and dizzy I couldn't stand up anymore. Had to sit down twice just to get out of the store.

So, now I'm having to force myself to eat again. Deep joy.

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Sunday, 16 January 2011

Catch 22

Meditation, exercises and swimming all help to losen my shoulder and deal with the pain. But I haven't been able to do any of them for weeks - because the pain is too bad. It's a catch 22.

I'm trying to restart the meditation and the exercises. I really want to get back in the pool, but everyone's saying I should wait till the meditation is back on track.

This morning, in desperation, I tried the exercises during the 'electric shock' pains that keep exploding all the time. It's counter intuitive, but everything about this situation is backwards.

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Thursday, 6 January 2011

Spent over an hour lying on the floor of my office at work today, when the pain went postal. Delightful.

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Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Extract from job ad...

Member of the board of the NHS Primary Care Trust.

You will never have suffered from a serious or long term illness or disability; all decisions on the availability of medications must be made on a purely arbitrary basis, with no consideration for the patient's suffering or quality of life. If you have had a Common Sense Removal Procedure, so much the better.

At least, that must be the kind of ads they place, how else do you explain people bring denied vital medication by idiots who have no idea what they're going through...?

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