Taking the Stairs: February 2011

Sunday 27 February 2011

The shrink told me that when this is all feeling impossible to bear alone, I should remember tines when I've been happy alone. So I tried looking at photo album of Mexico. But that's just made it so much worse because I know I can't do anything like that any more. It's like other people saying they'll hold on to hope - it just shines a light on what can never be.

I'm trying really hard not to just take all the pills right now

Managed a whole phone conversation and a visit today, but now thinking that one or the other would've been better, not both.

Feel really low again being on my own, and completely worn out by the effort of chatting, even though I love them both dearly.

The pain's been just as bad, but today I've taken the morphine in batches of two, instead of one every couple of hours. It seems to have worked ok, but only because 10mg all at once pretty much knocks me over, so then I don't notice the pain so much.

I'm dreading this coming week though. If I can't cope with seeing/talking to some of my best friends, and the only pain solution is drugging myself insensible, I don't see how i'm going to manage to work, or even get out of the house.

Not to mention the fact that I'm supposed to put the Fluoxetine down to 20 tomorrow, so it could all be about to get even worse.

Saturday 26 February 2011

Help me

55mg of morphine today, and still it won't stop:
6am - 10mg long release
9.45 - 5mg
12 - 5mg
2.30 - 5mg
3.30 - 5mg
6pm - 10mg long release
7 - 5mg
9 - 5mg
10.30 - 5mg

I'm shaking and I can't breathe, there's so much in my system, and let's not even talk about the panic attacks to come, yet still the pain's so bad I can't even cry because it hurts too much.

What am I supposed to do?

Seriously, please.

Terrible electric shock pains. Please just make them stop.

View from the bathroom floor

Every couple of months my digestive system seems to get completely overwhelmed by all the drugs and chemicals, like it did this afternoon.

I get the most appalling stomach pains, have gut wrenching diahorrea and end up collapsed on the bathroom floor, bathed in a cold sweat. Eventually I manage to drag myself into a scoldingly hot bath to try and ease the cramps.

Each time, I think I'm going to have to call an ambulance, but the thought of being found naked on the floor, covered in my own excrement always puts me off.

What a delightful way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Friday 25 February 2011

Shitty day

Well, the day started as it meant to go on.

By lunchtime I'd taken a total of 30mg of morphine and the pain was still so bad I couldn't move. All the drugs did manage to do was to knock me out for the afternoon, which was a blessing.

However they're now mostly gone from my system, the pain's still bad and I've already had to start building them up again.

On the upside, I've felt too bloody numbed and stoned to cry about it.

Looking like another bad day.

Woke up at 6 and had to lie immobile for an hour waiting for the Oxycontin to kick in and ease the back pain enough to move. Shoulder was already not great.

Managed to get up for breakfast and get to my desk, but before I could even log on, my shoulder exploded. I could barely make it into bed.

Thursday 24 February 2011

Blowing my own trumpet

I'm putting this up here to remind myself of something positive.

Today, despite only being able to work a few hours, being exhausted from the meds and on a bad pain day, I managed to:
* write the blog I had promised to write, on time, no amends
* do most of tomorrow's website content update

And I even managed to clear out all the tech support queries as well.

I'm so proud of myself.

Blue Badge

New Blue Badge arrived today.

Thank God - I was worried they'd be like the DLA people and decide I'm "not disabled enough". I'd have been pretty much housebound if they'd done that, and in my current mental state, I don't think I could've borne that.

So, thank God common sense prevailed. For once.

God, can you die of tiredness? Because that's how I feel.

It's a combination of the meds and actually managing to do some work today. I'm really chuffed at what I got done, but I feel like I've been up partying all night. Whereas I've actually spent most of the day in bed. And no matter what I do, I just can't seem to feel rested.

Panic

The pain wasn't too bad today till late afternoon, and then it really ramped up. I've had to take a morphine pill every couple of hours and still they've barely touched it.

Now, I'm trying to sleep and the panic attacks are awful because of all the morphine in my system. I'm terrified of some amorphous something that's lurking in the shadows of my mind. I can't turn the light out and I've got to have a DVD playing to try and distract me. I'm so scared and it just won't stop. Please make it stop.

Wednesday 23 February 2011

Oh, and to cap it all, did I mention that I'm now not sleeping either? There are no words...

Trouble at work

I went into the office today, but the minute I got there, all I could think about was bursting into tears. The very thought of being there was just way too much.

I ended up leaving after 20 minutes and going to a friend's house, where she kept me distracted until the tearfulness passed.

I came home and went to bed - was doing ok, but now the tears are back. Out of nowhere, I suddenly feel completely hopeless all over again.

Through all of this, work has been the thing that's sustained me; if I'm not even going to be able to do that till the drugs are sorted, what the fuck am I going to do?

Tuesday 22 February 2011

More new drugs

Doc has talked to shrink and they've decided I need to change antidepressants. Unfortunately, it takes ages to get Fluoxetine out of your system, so I'll have to do a week on 40mg then a month on 20.

I'm terrified that this means a month of the depression being EVEN worse, but the doc says I won't notice a difference.

I suppose if the problem is that it's not working any more, then that would be true. But if it *is* helping a bit at the current levels, then the next 4-5 weeks don't bear thinking about.

...or maybe not.

It was better in that the thoughts weren't so black, but the world still looks unbearable from this angle. I still don't know how to swim through it, how not to drown in the hopelessness of this situation.

I may not have that black imperative pressing down on me like gravity, but I still see nothing but darkness.

Well, last night was definitely better with less Fluoxetine in my system, so maybe that's a start...

Monday 21 February 2011

Saw doctor about depression

Saw the doc today and got in such a state that he wound up giving me a big hug.

Talked to him about how bad the depression is at the moment, the unending stream of hideously dark thoughts and how scared I am about what might happen. At one point he asked if I felt i needed to be somewhere safe. I've always had a terror of someone throwing me in the looney bin, dating back to the days of my dad saying no-one would believe me about what he was doing to me, and they'd all just think I was mad. But when he said that today, I just felt numb; that in itself is terrifying. Anyway, I said I seem to always call friends when it gets that bad, so no, it's just the being alone with it all that's so hard.

He wanted me to see a psychiatrist, who could prescribe better antidepressants. The thought of having to sit there and explain it all yet again, to yet another person was just too much though. I wound up begging him not to make me go, so he's going to talk to them first, then let me know what we need to do.

Thank god he was so understanding. This is exactly why I didn't want to change doctors when I moved house - he knows me very well now and he gets it (mostly).

I just hope to god this shrink bloke can come up with something helpful. I've reduced the Fluoxetine because the doc agrees it's making things worse. Apparently the shrink might just add something as well, rather than swapping over completely. I don't really care, I just want to not feel this way any more.

Sunday 20 February 2011

Depression deepens

Horrible, horrible day.

Going to have to see the doctor - been on higher dose of Fluoxetine for three weeks and still the dark thoughts keep on coming.

Wanted to write on here last night, but there just weren't words big enough to fill the gaping maw inside and all around me.

Crying today like a small child, the kind of crying that takes over your whole body like it'll never, ever stop.

Saturday 19 February 2011

If you want to help...

I'm lucky that I've got lots of friends who want to help me, and im incredibly grateful to them for all they do.

At the moment, though, what I need from them is going to be really difficult for them to give. It's counter-intuitive and they're going to feel like they're letting me down. They'll feel they're not helping, because what I'm asking for is doing nothing.

I can't bear the fact that whenever I talk about how crap all this is, how awful I feel, they sympathise, then they come up with something positive. Something that's meant to make me feel better. Like at the moment, saying 'at least you know the frozen shoulder will release'. But it doesn't help, and I don't want to hear it.

You might think you're helping by pointing out the positives, but actually all you're doing is highlighting how much you can't understand this. I don't want to hear that things will get better. I don't want to hear that it could be worse. As far as I'm concerned THIS IS THE WORSE. And I don't want anyone waving that fact in my face by shining a light on positives that I can't see. Because that's what it feels like you're doing, even though I know you don't mean to and I love that you're trying to help me.

And it really doesn't help to do what so many do - to talk about the positives, and when I reject them, to say they'll hold on to the hope for me. If you want to hold on to hope, that's fine, but I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know about your hope, because it just rubs my nose in the fact that I don't have any.

So if you want to help me right now, you need to put all your instincts aside and NOT try to make me feel better. Listen, sympathise then please, just shut up.

Because that's what will really help now. That's what will ease some of the current loneliness - to think that others understand and share the hopelessness. That I'm not dealing with it on my own.

(None if this should be taken as criticism, by the way, it's just how I feel at the moment.)

I'm fucking furious at this whole fucking situation. At the pain, the meds, all of it.

FUCK

Thursday 17 February 2011

Snapshot

Right now I:
am cross-eyed
feel short of breath
itch all over
feel dizzy
have shooting electric shock pains up & down my arm
have electric shock zigzags all over my back
have stabbing pains in my shoulder every time I breathe in
am trying to make myself eat something even though I have zero appetite

And when I go to bed, I can look forward to raging panic attacks and having to decide which is worse - the current pain or the prospect off all those side effects getting even worse if I take more meds.

So, I guess the question becomes: can I wait a year to 18months to see if he's right?

Cortisone injection

It seemed like the electric shock pains were easing after the cortisone injection. The pain got very 'muddy' - I couldn't tell what was hurting where and the morphine was doing very little, but for five days the electric shocks were subdued.

Now they're back. They started ramping up again last night and now they're back to 'normal'.

The fact that they eased proves I was right that they were caused by the nerves being trapped by the inflammation. The injection obviously took the inflammation down and released the nerves. Now it's coming back up again.

So the injection did work - for 5 days, and the pain stayed so bad that it was completely pointless.

Wednesday 16 February 2011

Rehab meeting

Saw the rehab consultant from work today.

She was really positive about things because when last we met none of the kit or technology was in place and now it is, and because the orthopaedic surgeon said the frozen shoulder will improve, so the current horror will end.

I guess she's right and I'm pretty sure my friends and family also think that way, but I just can't do it. All I could think about throughout the whole meeting was the terrible pain of the last few weeks and months. I couldn't see the positives, I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what to do.

God last night was awful. A terrifying maelstrom of hideous thoughts and dreams.

Tuesday 15 February 2011

Cruel trick

Moved the fluoxetine to the evening today because couldn't bear another morning of my head feeling like it was full of whipped cream.

It worked - brain was working much better today and pain levels were also more bearable this morning. But then it all went to shit again. I left the office at one, and between my desk and the car I realised a kickoff was imminent. Made it home, but then things got really bad and the morphine did absolutely nothing. And to cap it all, shortly before I took the fluoxetine at the new time, my mood went through the floor.

So now I feel like crap from every angle and the cheerful, productive morning I had seems like nothing more than a cruel trick. Should never have believed it in the first place.

Monday 14 February 2011

God I can't think straight through this haze of pills. I fucking hate it.

Sunday 13 February 2011

More doseage fiddling...

Every night the electric shock pains in my shoulder kick off really badly between 8-8.30.

I've discovered that taking the quick release morphine at 7.30 (ie before it starts) heads it off and I may even be able to avoid taking any more that night. If I leave it, I'll wind up having to take one around 8.30 and another around 10.

It's been difficult to work out where to fit the long release one, though, which could be anywhere from 6pm and 9pm. This evening, I tried the long release at 6.30, because it takes an hour to kick in, then the quick release at 8 when the electric shocks started.

That doesn't work though - I've just had to take another short release pill at 10pm.

So, the short release has to be at 7.30, regardless, then the long release around 9. We'll see if that works...

Saturday 12 February 2011

Orthopaedic surgeon appointment

Saw the orthopaedic surgeon this week and it was a very up and down appointment.

He said that any surgical intervention will absolutely make the pain worse, so there's no way he would do it (this includes the movement under anaestetic).

Apparently, the frozen shoulder is due to inflammation in the joint and it will definitely improve - ie it will unlock in time, not that the pain will stop. It takes a year to 18mnths though, and no amount of exercise will help - all i can do is wait. And I'm having trouble believing it anyway.

Exercise won't actually make things any worse (ie it won't damage anything) but it will continue to make the pain flare, so it'll be about me getting the amount right.

He gave me a cortisone injection in my shoulder try to reduce the inflammation. It can take a month to work; no idea yet if it's helped, but pain levels have been hideous since.

He also said my shoulder isn't actually dislocating, it just feels that way.

The GP had already recommended going back on a low dose of slow release morphine, with the quick release top up. I never wanted to go back on that awful stuff, but had no choice, as the pain is going up and up. I'd already got stuck several times, including in the loos at work, when it got so bad I couldn't move.

The rising pain levels have led to the depression getting a lot worse too, not helped by the increasing number and amounts of drugs.

So basically, nothing's changed, except perhaps there is a time frame But only for one small part of it, and with no guarantees. And still no hope with the pain itself.

Friday 11 February 2011

I wish there were words to describe how I feel about the amazing support I got from my best friend last night.

It was the most frighteningly honest conversation I've ever had, and she was incredible - just the right combination of listening and advising, absolutely no judging and a much needed dose of common sense.

I don't know what I would do without her. Thank you.

Tuesday 8 February 2011

Thursday - orthopaedic surgeon. He's going to say there's nothing he can do. But then what?

Feel completely numb about it, because there IS nothing else. Feels like everything stops at Thursday - clocks. calendars, the lot. Just a big black hole.

Monday 7 February 2011

45mg of morphine yesterday, just to get thru my sister's birthday celebrations...

To try and avoid the hideous screwdriver headaches of the last few days on the big drive, I put a heatpad on my back (twisting to put the TENS machine on would've kicked it off straightaway). Unfortunately, my lower back went into spasm and i couldn't move - several pills (and tears) for that. Then major electric shock pains late on - another 2 pills just to get in the car and drive to where I was staying. Horrible night of side effects and pain is already bad at 6am.

I never should have chances it. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Saturday 5 February 2011

Things I still wanted to do...

stand on Antarctica
see Tierra del Fuego
visit Chile and Argentina
learn Sign Language
see Palenque
Swim with manatees
Whale watching in Alaska
Ride a horse along the beach
See the underwater lava flows in Hawaii

Friday 4 February 2011

Reasons not to kill myself

My sister says she needs me
Apparently, I inspire my neice
The chins would starve
My friends would miss me

I wish I could think of more than that.