Morphine - day ??: can't remember, and that's the problem

I've been on the morphine for nearly 2 weeks now. I decided not to follow the doctor's advice and 'double the dose after 2-3 days', since I was having so much trouble coming off the Tramadol and getting used to this new stuff. I increased to 25mg after a week and yesterday went up to 30mg. And I had a horrible night.

When I went up to 25mg I had several nights where I slept pretty well (first time in six months that I haven't woken up several hours before the alarm went off!), and a couple of mornings where the increased dose was making me feel pleasantly relaxed (like my body had dropped off to sleep and my mind was about to follow, but it never did). Last night, though, I had that same feeling, coupled with the sensation of falling forever, horrid panics, jerking awake then it all starting over again. It was awful. I tried to distract myself by make up stories in my head, but I couldn't make it past the first thought - I'd just keep thinking the same 'first line' over and over. It was really scary. Then I got really hungry. So I tried having a snack and watching a bit of TV, then trying to sleep to the sound of the TV, but that was actually worse somehow so I turned it off. And it all started again.

I'm guessing (hoping) this is just a temporary side effect, as it did wear off earlier in the week, but what doesn't seem to be wearing off is the 'brain shutdowns' I keep getting.

I've had something similar before, where the meds just make me pretty stupid, but this is different. Before, it's been like I'm aware that I'm constantly functioning on half a brain - everything seems a bit fuzzy and I can tell I'm not thinking straight. This time, though, it's really disconcerting, because I feel like I'm fine, and then my brain either just freezes, or I do something utterly ridiculous but without any awareness of it. I think it's probably down to the combination of the new pills and the anti-depressants, rather than just being about the new stuff, because I was having 'shut-down' moments before I started the morphine, but this is a lot scarier. Then, I wouldn't see it coming, but I would realise immediately afterwards that I'd just done something daft and be a bit shocked at myself. Now, I don't even seem to realise that I've done it - never mind that it was stupid - until much later. I know the drugs are affecting my concentration and memory and I think it's a spin off from that - I can't concentrate to the extent that I don't even realise I'm doing things. At times I feel zonked and spaced, but at others I feel OK, yet I'm clearly not.

So far, this has only resulted in unimportant mistakes, like forgetting I was in the middle of doing something and just going off and leaving it half done, then being really surprised to come back and find it there. But I'm a bit worried that I'm going to do that with the gas hob lit or something. Or in the car. It's a bit like when my Grandmother was in the early stages of Alzheimer's and we just couldn't tell what she might do next. I almost got on a dual carriageway going the wrong way the day before I started the morphine (one of those instances where I realise immediately afterwards and can't quite believe what I've just [nearly] done), so what might I do now?

When I'm feeling zonked on pills I don't get behind the wheel because it's just too dangerous. It was bad enough to find I'd done something stupid without having even realised I was zonked, but this is much worse. At least if I realise I've been doing daft things I know not to drive, but if I don't realise I've done them, I won't know to stay home. And if I just decide not to drive in case, then my prison goes up to maximum security overnight. I want to be sensible, particularly with something as potentially dangerous as a car, but I also don't want to limit myself any further than I have to.

I guess I just have to hope this side effect turns out to be temporary too. Because I have to increase the morphine again in a few days and if this carries on, I'll have to stay at home, just so I can remember where I live!