Morphine - day 22. Or is that day 4?

So, a few days after my last post, exactly what I was afraid of, happened.

I posted the day after I increased the morphine to 30mg, and I was having these horrible ‘shut down’ moments, where I was feeling completely zonked and just seemed to ‘switch off’ in the middle of things. It was happening at fairly unimportant moments, but I was worried it might happen when I had the gas hob on, or was in the car or something.

The first couple of days after the increase weren't nice, then things seemed to improve. But then all hell broke loose.

Four days after the increase, I was so zonked after taking the first pills of the day that I couldn't even get out of bed. The next day I thought I was doing better - the zonked feeling seemed to be wearing off - but 2 minutes into a conversation, my friend told me I sounded really drunk. Things went downhill from there - I started feeling more and more out of it and decided it would be best to wait a while before trying to get to the office. When I finally went out to the car 2 hours later, I felt like I was fairly OK, but two minutes into the journey I realized that I really wasn't; the ‘shut down’ moments were happening again, whilst I was driving, only they were worse - I was completely 'blanking out', then suddenly realising that I was in the car! It was terrifying! Obviously I turned round and came straight home again, then spent the next 4 or 5 hours feeling like I was on a completely different planet.

It seems like each time I took one of these immediate-release pills, it reactivated all of the morphine that was already in my system; every pill I took, the worse I felt. It was like the dosage was way too high for my body, but not nearly high enough to actually do the job I was taking it for, and kill the pain. Either that, or I have some weird 4-day-side-effect problem, where things get really bad 4 days after I increase a dose. (It was 4 or 5 days after an increase that everything went so bad the last time I was on morphine.) I thought if it was a side effect thing, maybe it would pass, but when I spoke to the doctor we agreed it would be better to change onto a slow-release morphine, just in case.

So now I'm starting all over again, on the same stuff as certain high-profile celebs who shall remain nameless . . .

So far (4 days in . . . ) the zonking isn't as bad as on the old stuff, but I did have to delay going to the office by two hours today because I wasn't safe to drive. I'm still taking 30mg (10 in the morning 20 in the evening), but I'm having a really hard time because the 10 isn't enough to get me through the 12 hours it's supposed to last. It was fine over the weekend - I could just take the morning dose a couple of hours late, then carry on sleeping. That didn’t work today though, because it turns out that it does still make me very zonked, about 1½hr after I take it; not a problem when I'm lazing around in bed, but very inconvenient when I’m trying to work! So I need to take it at the right time in the morning, but that means I'm going to have several very unpleasant hours in the evening before I can take the next dose. Unless I ‘top up’ with the immediate-release stuff, which the doctor told me I could do. But I really don't fancy that, given the problems I’ve have already had!

Of course the other option is to increase to 20mg twice a day, which I'm planning to do eventually, but I was on 40mg when the awful depression hit last time and to be honest I don't want to. I will get there, but I just need to take my time, because if it all goes wrong like that again, I don't know that I have the strength to try it a third time.

One thing, though, I really and truly do not get, is why people do this for fun . . . I think I'd sooner stick spoons in my eyes.