Saturday 22 January 2011

Teetering on the brink

I came perilously close to overdosing on Friday night, initially intentionally, then accidentally. I realised that breaking up Tramadol pills was a bad idea, but I was so desperate to stop feeling that wretched that I nearly took a load of morphine just to knock me out. And now i'm back there again.

The pain is just so bad, and has been for so long, and there's no end in sight. The desire to make it all go away feels as inexorable as gravity. I don't know how to NOT do it.

How can I keep living like this, day after day in a haze of pain and drugs? Why should I? What's the point? Each day I get up and just wait too see how long I can go before the pain gets so bad I have to hit the morphine. It's hardly what you'd call a life.

I'm lurching from one pain explosion to the next, each time travelling via brain-numbing, mind-altering chemical shit. I always hated even taking a headache pill - now look at me.

I survived all that shit with my dad, just so I could live out my days in fucking agony. Terrific.

I don't know how much longer I'm willing to wait before I finally do something about it.

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