Posted from Blogium for iPhone
Monday, 2 May 2011
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Slightly better day
Well, my mood stayed relatively stable throughout the day, up until now.
There were a few near-tearful moments on the phone earlier, but only because I was talking about how bad things have been lately, especially last weekend. The rest of the time, although the tears were within reach, they stayed where they're supposed to be, out of the way. It might just be that I'm tired that I'm starting to feel a bit emotional now, but I can definitely feel things starting to close in on me. I've had to turn off some stupid documentary because all the screaming kids were making me want to cry. Even reminding myself that they're not real didn't help.
The pain has been as bad as ever today - I'm still on double pills, and though I managed to stretch them to four hours instead of three, it was a mistake. I don't want to take any more, but current pain levels suggest I'll have to, if I want any sleep. I just hope I don't get any more side effects.
The slightly more stable mood has meant that today is the first day in several weeks that I haven't spent time sitting around thinking about suitable ways to die. Again, until now; I really hope the good record for today doesn't get screwed up by a last minute flip out. I'm feeling increasingly fragile though, so I'll sign off before I kick things off myself by accident.
10.50. Pain has just gone interstellar; can't breathe. Should've taken the bloody pills sooner.
There were a few near-tearful moments on the phone earlier, but only because I was talking about how bad things have been lately, especially last weekend. The rest of the time, although the tears were within reach, they stayed where they're supposed to be, out of the way. It might just be that I'm tired that I'm starting to feel a bit emotional now, but I can definitely feel things starting to close in on me. I've had to turn off some stupid documentary because all the screaming kids were making me want to cry. Even reminding myself that they're not real didn't help.
The pain has been as bad as ever today - I'm still on double pills, and though I managed to stretch them to four hours instead of three, it was a mistake. I don't want to take any more, but current pain levels suggest I'll have to, if I want any sleep. I just hope I don't get any more side effects.
The slightly more stable mood has meant that today is the first day in several weeks that I haven't spent time sitting around thinking about suitable ways to die. Again, until now; I really hope the good record for today doesn't get screwed up by a last minute flip out. I'm feeling increasingly fragile though, so I'll sign off before I kick things off myself by accident.
10.50. Pain has just gone interstellar; can't breathe. Should've taken the bloody pills sooner.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
Jeez. Major side effects moment.
I took the last dose of morphine at about 6.45. I wasn't really getting any side effect problems, till I had something to eat about half an hour later. Then I started getting very dizzy and floaty. It got worse and worse over the next hour, and I started getting very nauseous too. All I ate was a sub.
It's bizarre the way the same dose can have such different effects at different times. I've taken the same dose as that twice during the day, with no side effects at all, then this time I feel like I've been out on the lash all night. It's bloody horrible.
And to cap it all, the pain killing effect of those pills is already wearing off.
I took the last dose of morphine at about 6.45. I wasn't really getting any side effect problems, till I had something to eat about half an hour later. Then I started getting very dizzy and floaty. It got worse and worse over the next hour, and I started getting very nauseous too. All I ate was a sub.
It's bizarre the way the same dose can have such different effects at different times. I've taken the same dose as that twice during the day, with no side effects at all, then this time I feel like I've been out on the lash all night. It's bloody horrible.
And to cap it all, the pain killing effect of those pills is already wearing off.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
Once again, I can't seem to stay awake. I don't know what's causing it.
I have managed to go four hours between morphine doses today though, for the first time in about three weeks.
Now all I need is to be able to stay awake for four hours at a stretch.
4.30 Going four hours between pills may have been a mistake; the latest dose isn't working.
I have managed to go four hours between morphine doses today though, for the first time in about three weeks.
Now all I need is to be able to stay awake for four hours at a stretch.
4.30 Going four hours between pills may have been a mistake; the latest dose isn't working.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
I don't want to jinx anything, but so far today, I've felt a little bit better. Not pain-wise - that's just the same - but mood-wise.
I can feel the blackness down there - I can reach out and touch it and it feels very much like it would suck me down at any moment if I kept on looking at it, but so far I've been able to pull away.
I'm currently back in bed, because I took the bin out and that seemed to be enough to completely wear me out.
I can feel the blackness down there - I can reach out and touch it and it feels very much like it would suck me down at any moment if I kept on looking at it, but so far I've been able to pull away.
I'm currently back in bed, because I took the bin out and that seemed to be enough to completely wear me out.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
I managed a whole day yesterday without crying. It was a bit close at times and admitedly I was asleep all afternoon, but even so. A whole day without crying.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
Chain reaction
I just need a slight chink to open up in the cycle of depression and pain, to give me a foothold to start working from.
There's the rest of the meditation course, the book that goes with it, and the new book the meditation teacher suggested, plus things like swimming and steaming. They would all help - releasing endorphins, raising my mood just enough to change my experience of the pain and allow me to reduce the morphine, easing the depression through the body's own natural responses, plus the reduction in side effects from fewer chemicals.
Once it gets started, it'll be like a chain reaction. The problem is that the chain reaction operates in both directions, and at the moment it's spinning the wrong way. It's like one of those ridiculous disaster movies, where the earth has started spinning in the wrong direction and the hero needs to put it right. Once it's going the right way, very little energy is required to maintain it, it's the initial shift that's the problem, because there's do much inertia going against you.
Creating that inital foothold, making that crucial shift is all down to the Lofepramine. But it also depends on me making sure that I don't push too hard.
It would be all too easy for me to see a tiny improvement and jump on it, but I have to avoid that, because it'll only set me back again. As frustrating as it will be, I need to go really slowly, so that each step builds on the next. It's like getting a scooter going; if you try to start too fast, you fall off, so you have to build up speed gradually and stay safe.
There's the rest of the meditation course, the book that goes with it, and the new book the meditation teacher suggested, plus things like swimming and steaming. They would all help - releasing endorphins, raising my mood just enough to change my experience of the pain and allow me to reduce the morphine, easing the depression through the body's own natural responses, plus the reduction in side effects from fewer chemicals.
Once it gets started, it'll be like a chain reaction. The problem is that the chain reaction operates in both directions, and at the moment it's spinning the wrong way. It's like one of those ridiculous disaster movies, where the earth has started spinning in the wrong direction and the hero needs to put it right. Once it's going the right way, very little energy is required to maintain it, it's the initial shift that's the problem, because there's do much inertia going against you.
Creating that inital foothold, making that crucial shift is all down to the Lofepramine. But it also depends on me making sure that I don't push too hard.
It would be all too easy for me to see a tiny improvement and jump on it, but I have to avoid that, because it'll only set me back again. As frustrating as it will be, I need to go really slowly, so that each step builds on the next. It's like getting a scooter going; if you try to start too fast, you fall off, so you have to build up speed gradually and stay safe.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)