Sunday, 1 May 2011

Chain reaction

I just need a slight chink to open up in the cycle of depression and pain, to give me a foothold to start working from.

There's the rest of the meditation course, the book that goes with it, and the new book the meditation teacher suggested, plus things like swimming and steaming. They would all help - releasing endorphins, raising my mood just enough to change my experience of the pain and allow me to reduce the morphine, easing the depression through the body's own natural responses, plus the reduction in side effects from fewer chemicals.

Once it gets started, it'll be like a chain reaction. The problem is that the chain reaction operates in both directions, and at the moment it's spinning the wrong way. It's like one of those ridiculous disaster movies, where the earth has started spinning in the wrong direction and the hero needs to put it right. Once it's going the right way, very little energy is required to maintain it, it's the initial shift that's the problem, because there's do much inertia going against you.

Creating that inital foothold, making that crucial shift is all down to the Lofepramine. But it also depends on me making sure that I don't push too hard.

It would be all too easy for me to see a tiny improvement and jump on it, but I have to avoid that, because it'll only set me back again. As frustrating as it will be, I need to go really slowly, so that each step builds on the next. It's like getting a scooter going; if you try to start too fast, you fall off, so you have to build up speed gradually and stay safe.

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