Sunday, 1 May 2011

Slightly better day

Well, my mood stayed relatively stable throughout the day, up until now.

There were a few near-tearful moments on the phone earlier, but only because I was talking about how bad things have been lately, especially last weekend. The rest of the time, although the tears were within reach, they stayed where they're supposed to be, out of the way. It might just be that I'm tired that I'm starting to feel a bit emotional now, but I can definitely feel things starting to close in on me. I've had to turn off some stupid documentary because all the screaming kids were making me want to cry. Even reminding myself that they're not real didn't help.

The pain has been as bad as ever today - I'm still on double pills, and though I managed to stretch them to four hours instead of three, it was a mistake. I don't want to take any more, but current pain levels suggest I'll have to, if I want any sleep. I just hope I don't get any more side effects.

The slightly more stable mood has meant that today is the first day in several weeks that I haven't spent time sitting around thinking about suitable ways to die. Again, until now; I really hope the good record for today doesn't get screwed up by a last minute flip out. I'm feeling increasingly fragile though, so I'll sign off before I kick things off myself by accident.

10.50. Pain has just gone interstellar; can't breathe. Should've taken the bloody pills sooner.

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