Spent the afternoon delving through my CD collection, trying to ground myself somehow. It's not something that happens often - this was the first time in this house, and I've been here three years - but it seemed necessary. It wasn't helping by my stereo giving up the ghost an hour in though.

It started with a sudden burning desire to listen to the CD that I used to listen to all the time in the months before the accident. I was tooling round in my little VW Polo, my first car in five years. It was quick and sturdy and lots of fun to drive. It had a sunroof and a good stereo system. Everyday, driving to and from work listening to Snow Patrol, very very loud and signing along. It's the last time I can remember being happy.

Not that I was without worries - I was living with friends and needed to find my own place, but I needed to find a permanent job to replace the temping job first. But I was happy. I was enjoying driving again after a long break, my knee had healed from the motorbike accident, the countryside was beautiful, the roads were good, the car was fun. I was good at the job I was doing and was constantly asked to stay permanently, I liked living with my friends, I got on really well with their kids. I'd completed two degreaser and done really well in both, I'd loved studying, but was confident I'd made the right choice in stopping, I was going out more, building a social life in a new town. Everything was good. Everything was possibility.

The flood of memories from listening to those songs was like a tidal wave. It's the first time I've been able to enjoy hearing them, instead of flinching at what i knew was to come next - all of it ending at 4.45pm on a bright sunny April day, three weeks after starting my dream job.

I listen to that album over and over, then I basically trawled through my CD collection, before finally landing up on what in my mind has always been the soundtrack to my abuse: the music I listened to endlessly when I was first having therapy. At the time, I was constantly remembering stuff, fighting through the flashbacks, and these two CDs were always there. One of them I found too hard when I put it on and I had to turn it off, but the other one -Tori Amos, Little Earthquakes - was OK.

It doesn't have the pull I might have expected, but it was good to hear it again; I probably haven't heard it in ten years. It's clearly Snow Patrol that's going to keep dragging me back. I still doubt I'll be able to listen to the album that was playing st the time of the accident though.

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You probably shouldn't read this

My best friend has been with me through all this. She's done a huge amount for me and I'm so grateful. But now she says she can't do it. I get that - I'd take a holiday too, if I could, but I don't have that option.

Thing is, as much as I understand - and honestly, I do, and I don't blame her, she's got a lot going on herself - I still feel like I've lost my best friend. I feel like she died. And I'm grieving for my friend and I don't know how to get through this without her. And I know I've leaned too heavily in her and I know that's not fair and I'm really really sorry, but I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to get through this if she's not there in the background. I know it's not her responsibility, but somehow, knowing she was there made me feel not-alone enough to keep going.

And the timing. Just as all the work from that bloody book is making me face up to how abandoned I've always felt by all the people I thought I could trust - parents, partners etc - and how much I've tried to carry on my own that I shouldn't have. Then I lose my best friend. I can't stop crying, I feel like my heart is breaking and I know it's all the other losses polarising into this one, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I'm sorry you're reading this, I really am. It's not intended as a guilt-trip. If I could put it up here without you reading it, I would, but I can't and I have nowhere else to go.

The medical profession has dumped me, my friends are all too busy, my family all too fragile. This really is the only place I have left to talk. And I have to get this out because it's not getting any better stuck inside me. It's just coming at me in waves. Maybe once I've said it to the world, I'll be able to ride them a bit better. So please don't hate me for needing to vent.

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Why has everyone disappeared just when I need them the most?

It feels like all the pain from all the years, all at once.

I don't remember it ever feeling like this before. It feels so real and raw and new and there's nobody anywhere to help me.I can't do it on my own. Why is there no-one to help me? I can't live through this. I'm going to die. It's going to kill me. Please, don't leave me in here all by myself.

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I considered putting extra food and water in for the chins when I fed them tonight, so I'd know they were OK for a few days, if I decided enough was enough.

In the end I didn't, because that might make it too easy. At least this way, I'll have to go and do that first.

I don't know how I'm going to get through tonite, so I can't guarantee it won't happen anyway.

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There aren't any words for how shit I feel. How alone. How helpless. How hopeless.

I can't do this on my own. I just can't. Please help me

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Depression so bad I haven't even been able to get out of bed today. The aloneness is unbearable.

I wish I didn't have the chins. If I didn't, I could saw through my wrists. It would take seconds.

I've gone from having a life and friends and all the opportunities in the world, to have none of that. My life's over, my friends are gone and there's nothing left.

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Shoulder pain is evil today.

I didn't wake up till 8am, so the timing of the pills is all over the place. I've taken the right amount, but it's not helping; I've taken two top-up pills and they're not helping. I can take some more in about half an hour.

I'm lying in bed, breathing very shallowly because if I breathe properly, the pain kills. My left leg is numb. It must be from how I'm lying, but I lie this way all the time.

God how many pills is it going to take today to make the pain go away.


2.30. Took three top-up pills an hour ago - pain is now bearable as long as I don't try to move. Feel very stoned. Could happily take another couple and go to sleep. Am lying here fantasising about suicide. The book doesn't work, the pain never stops and I woke myself up last night screaming in terror. My head is full of horrors and my body is broken.

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