You probably shouldn't read this

My best friend has been with me through all this. She's done a huge amount for me and I'm so grateful. But now she says she can't do it. I get that - I'd take a holiday too, if I could, but I don't have that option.

Thing is, as much as I understand - and honestly, I do, and I don't blame her, she's got a lot going on herself - I still feel like I've lost my best friend. I feel like she died. And I'm grieving for my friend and I don't know how to get through this without her. And I know I've leaned too heavily in her and I know that's not fair and I'm really really sorry, but I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to get through this if she's not there in the background. I know it's not her responsibility, but somehow, knowing she was there made me feel not-alone enough to keep going.

And the timing. Just as all the work from that bloody book is making me face up to how abandoned I've always felt by all the people I thought I could trust - parents, partners etc - and how much I've tried to carry on my own that I shouldn't have. Then I lose my best friend. I can't stop crying, I feel like my heart is breaking and I know it's all the other losses polarising into this one, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I'm sorry you're reading this, I really am. It's not intended as a guilt-trip. If I could put it up here without you reading it, I would, but I can't and I have nowhere else to go.

The medical profession has dumped me, my friends are all too busy, my family all too fragile. This really is the only place I have left to talk. And I have to get this out because it's not getting any better stuck inside me. It's just coming at me in waves. Maybe once I've said it to the world, I'll be able to ride them a bit better. So please don't hate me for needing to vent.

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