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Friday, 2 September 2011
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Possible
The last two days I've felt the faintest, vaguest possibility that I might one day actually get back to work.
Don't get me wrong, I've been in pain, I've spent hours in bed, I've felt very low. But there's been the slight sense in the background that this position might not be unrecoverable.
I hope I don't regret writing this out loud.
Don't get me wrong, I've been in pain, I've spent hours in bed, I've felt very low. But there's been the slight sense in the background that this position might not be unrecoverable.
I hope I don't regret writing this out loud.
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Two days of not feeling suicidal - that's a record.
Seeing the shrink tomorrow though - sure that'll fuck things up nicely.
Seeing the shrink tomorrow though - sure that'll fuck things up nicely.
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I've just taken all the recurring work-related entries out of my electronic diary. I'm hoping it'll have a 'reverse-psychology' type effect, and mean I wind up going back to work and so having to put them all back in again...
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My current refusal to take any top-ups means I'm sitting on the basic morphine level - 70mg/day.
It's this time of day that tends to be hardest - from now till the 7.30 dose kicks in properly, which could be not till 9. I ache all over, especially my back, I have shoulder pain and neck pressure.
I could take a top-up - 10mg would ease the aching, but there's every chance it won't help the actual pain, and it might make me feel really stoned, like last night. I'd really rather avoid that.
I already feel weak and very tired. I've been trying to gather the energy for a shower for the past two hours, but I still don't feel able to get undressed. But I have to go see the shrink tomorrow, and we already know that showering and driving on the same day is too much.
Maybe if I can get in there, the heat will help, who knows.
4.45. I think the best idea will be to bring the 7.30 pill forward. That gap is longer than all the others anyway, so it'll even things out.
It's this time of day that tends to be hardest - from now till the 7.30 dose kicks in properly, which could be not till 9. I ache all over, especially my back, I have shoulder pain and neck pressure.
I could take a top-up - 10mg would ease the aching, but there's every chance it won't help the actual pain, and it might make me feel really stoned, like last night. I'd really rather avoid that.
I already feel weak and very tired. I've been trying to gather the energy for a shower for the past two hours, but I still don't feel able to get undressed. But I have to go see the shrink tomorrow, and we already know that showering and driving on the same day is too much.
Maybe if I can get in there, the heat will help, who knows.
4.45. I think the best idea will be to bring the 7.30 pill forward. That gap is longer than all the others anyway, so it'll even things out.
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Neck pressure is quite bad today and getting some severe shoulder pain. Seems no point taking any top-ups though - it'll just make me feel stoned as well as in pain. Keeping my arm propped up slightly out to my left seems to be helping the neck pressure a bit; nothing helps the shoulder pain though - just gave to wait it out.
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Tapentadol
I've just spoken to the doctor about the new drug (Tapentadol).
I know I said I wasn't going to try it, but it seems to me that if I'm reducing the morphine anyway, I might as well. Last night's experience, being so stoned I couldn't sit up, yet still in really bad pain, makes me think it may be the right choice.
Initially, I thought maybe I would stop the morphine, then try the Tapentadol later if necessary. But that could potentially mean two more experiences of withdrawal - coming of Oxycodone, then later coming off Tapentadol if it didn't work and I decided I was better off with nothing. To be honest, that's just not acceptable.
It was bad enough coming off morphine the first time - actually, it was sheer hell - I always said it wasn't something I'd ever do twice. Yet here I am, feeling it might be the right option, despite feeling utterly fucking terrified. But I'm not going to punish myself by doing it three times, if I can help it.
It makes much more sense to come down enough to change and try the Tapentadol. If that doesn't work, then I can carry on to nothing, knowing that at least I gave it a shot. And then I can turn my back on opiates for good. Whether that means living with the pain, or ending it all will be the next question.
I know I said I wasn't going to try it, but it seems to me that if I'm reducing the morphine anyway, I might as well. Last night's experience, being so stoned I couldn't sit up, yet still in really bad pain, makes me think it may be the right choice.
Initially, I thought maybe I would stop the morphine, then try the Tapentadol later if necessary. But that could potentially mean two more experiences of withdrawal - coming of Oxycodone, then later coming off Tapentadol if it didn't work and I decided I was better off with nothing. To be honest, that's just not acceptable.
It was bad enough coming off morphine the first time - actually, it was sheer hell - I always said it wasn't something I'd ever do twice. Yet here I am, feeling it might be the right option, despite feeling utterly fucking terrified. But I'm not going to punish myself by doing it three times, if I can help it.
It makes much more sense to come down enough to change and try the Tapentadol. If that doesn't work, then I can carry on to nothing, knowing that at least I gave it a shot. And then I can turn my back on opiates for good. Whether that means living with the pain, or ending it all will be the next question.
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