Thursday 1 September 2011

Tapentadol

I've just spoken to the doctor about the new drug (Tapentadol).

I know I said I wasn't going to try it, but it seems to me that if I'm reducing the morphine anyway, I might as well. Last night's experience, being so stoned I couldn't sit up, yet still in really bad pain, makes me think it may be the right choice.

Initially, I thought maybe I would stop the morphine, then try the Tapentadol later if necessary. But that could potentially mean two more experiences of withdrawal - coming of Oxycodone, then later coming off Tapentadol if it didn't work and I decided I was better off with nothing. To be honest, that's just not acceptable.

It was bad enough coming off morphine the first time - actually, it was sheer hell - I always said it wasn't something I'd ever do twice. Yet here I am, feeling it might be the right option, despite feeling utterly fucking terrified. But I'm not going to punish myself by doing it three times, if I can help it.

It makes much more sense to come down enough to change and try the Tapentadol. If that doesn't work, then I can carry on to nothing, knowing that at least I gave it a shot. And then I can turn my back on opiates for good. Whether that means living with the pain, or ending it all will be the next question.

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