Some of it was at midnight, so was almost yesterday, the rest has been since 6am. It's by far the most I've ever taken. It's a hideous amount. Yet for all that, I got approx 4 hours of actual, proper relief. The rest of the time the pain just turned down a bit. And I do mean a bit - the intensity went from 8 to 7. That's it.
The pain is building again, and has been for about two hours. I'm determined to get to midnight, so it'll be a 'new' day. But I'm definitely going to need more before trying to sleep.
Let me be very clear. I don't like taking that much morphine. To be honest, I am repulsed by myself for taking it. I feel like a failure for needing it. I feel like a liar and a fraud for the fact that it wasn't working. I feel like a junkie who *claims* to have a legitimate need, but actually just enjoys it. Except for the fact that I *don't* enjoy it - it made me throw up and piss myself, for crying out loud.
But I can't help feeling that way about it. I feel filthy and revolting and so sickeningly disgusting that I can't bear to think about it. I feel like someone caught masturbating in the bathroom, or a bulimic caught purging after lunch, or a chocaholic caught with Dairy Milk all round their face (or at least, I feel how I imagine someone in those situations would feel, since I've never actually experienced any of them).
I just mean that I feel the most gut-wrenching sense of guilt and self repugnance, that I struggle to put it into words.
I know that's crazy; I know I haven't done anything wrong. I know that I lay here for hours trying to think of any alternative to taking morphine - any alternative at all - and the only viable one, the only thing that offered any other chance of stopping the pain, was suicide. (Oh, I considered cannabis, I tried it, and it was as useless and as nauseating as the morphine. Just in case you're wondering.)
It was a case of take that much morphine, or kill myself. I couldn't stand the pain at that level - I had to numb it by swallowing however much morphine it took, or I had to numb it, and me, permanently.
Which is what I will have to tell the GP when I see him later this week. I assume even he will have to agree that I took the least destructive option.
I just really really hope I don't have to go through it again tomorrow, because I can't guarantee not to decide that enough is enough, and take the other option next time.
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