It's been a really bad 24hours.

After a day yesterday of good pain levels, being able to control things through mantras etc, it all turned to shit around midnight.

I still don't know why, but the pain just exploded. For no apparent reason, it went from totally bearable to I-want-to-die in the space of about five minutes.

I hadn't taken any top up pills, because I hadn't needed them at the usual 10 / 11 o'clock. But that meant that when the pain exploded, I was scrabbling to catch up. I always find the top-ups are less effective at night, and when you combine that with pain going ballistic in a scarily short time, it's a disaster. And it was.

I tried all the mantras that'd been working so well all day, but they were useless. I had to take 15mg at midnight, then another 20mg only half an hour later, because it had got significantly worse, and was still rising. Even that didn't do a lot, but at least I managed to fall asleep.

Unfortunately, things weren't much better when I got up this morning. I spent five hours fighting the pain, trying not to take pills, using all the mantras from yesterday, plus trying out new ones. They touched it, but little else. Then when it got so bad I nearly collapsed answering the door, I had to give in.

That brought it down a bit but didn't stop it. I carried on trying with the mantras, but still I couldn't find one that really worked. I took another 10mg top-up at 7pm (on top of doubling the slow-release all day) and still nothing. Then about 8, I suddenly seemed to hit on the right mantra.

The pain didn't exactly stop, but it sort of reduced in significance. Like it no longer took up all of my attention, or like it was the same strength and size as before, but the proportion of my consciousness that it represented had reduced. I can't explain it any better than that.

I don't feel the need to take top-up pills tonight, but I daren't risk a repeat of last night, so I'll have to.

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