Thursday, 23 February 2012

Morphine now useless

Things are going from bad to worse; I don't want to live like this anymore.

About four days ago, I started finding that not only was I in terrible pain, but the feelings that the pain is supposedly masking, were now right there on the surface. I was being forced to deal with both the pain and the feelings, all at once, and that was triggering the worst insomnia I've ever had.

Now, not only am I facing pain and feelings and sleep deprivation, but the medication has stopped working.

I took a 15mg top-up at 9.45, to little effect, but that's not all that unusual for night-time. I took 30mg slow-release at 10.45; normally I take 20, but to try and limit the amount of top-ups I take (because the doctor is on holiday, so I can't get more), I increased the basic dose. It worked fine yesterday.

Today, I was still getting really bad pain two hours later. I was still worried about running out of OxyNorm, so I crunched up another 20mg of slow release morphine (to make it quick release). Nothing. I feel stoned and high, but there was no pain relief. Two hours later, there still isn't.

I was afraid this might happen; if you take deconstruction of the delusion - the pain - far enough, it makes sense that chemicals will no longer have any effect. It's a natural extension of the way the pain invariably breaks through any new medication or dosage.

My brain is gradually beginning to accept the fact that the pain is simply a construct designed to distract attention from difficult feelings. As realisation dawns that the pain is not 'real', so 'real' treatments lose effectiveness.

I talked to the therapist a couple of weeks ago about wanting to come off the morphine. It seemed to me that deconstructing the delusion could never fully work whilst I was feeding it by taking pills. Taking the pills tells the brain you believe the pain is real, which just reinforces it, when what you're trying to do is unpick it. So I wanted to stop taking the morphine.

The therapist said she thought that would be incredibly difficult though, and I should instead work towards making the pain redundant by dealing with the feelings behind it. I decided she was right, especially when the pain started flaring up even more. But if the morphine is goint to stop working, then I'm going to be completely fucked.

Rising pain levels, enormous emotional trauma and nothing - nothing - to ease any of it.

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