Wednesday, 22 February 2012

I've been feeling really weird all day and I don't understand why.

I feel scared and angry and very very sad. I'm feel confused and threatened and lost. I feel like I'm looking at a world I don't understand, through a filter of confusion and loss. It's like I'm hearing the words, but they make no sense. I'm watching lips move, but the end result is meaningless. It's scary and unsettling and I hate it.

I think how I'm feeling is probably the underlying feeling of my childhood; if I'd been aware of my feelings back then - which I never was - I think this is what they would've been.

That, in itself, is a terrifying thought; that my childhood was such a dark, forbidding, empty place, that this is how it made me feel.

I suppose it makes sense - as a child unable to understand or interpret what was happening to me, my impression of the world was as confused and scary as the world itself seemed to be.

The confusion, the fear, the threatened - that all comes from the shifting sands of my fathers mercurial moods. The sadness and the lost comes from being left so alone, sacrificed for her and by her.

I'm also having particular trouble with anger; not anger now, but anger in the past. Several of my precious somatic conditions have been recurring, and the ones that have come back and stayed, are those relating to anger.

My insomnia, which I worked out years ago, is an indication of unexpressed anger, is at an all-time high. And my ears - the eczema and swelling - is also bad, and that's also always been anger.

I don't feel angry at all; in fact, I don't 'feel' anything. I keep trying to work out what's behind the pain - and there's been a lot of pain today, stubbornly resistant to the soothing effect of the meds - but I can't get at it. I know there's something there, but whatever it is, it makes no sense to me.

All day, I've been fighting off desperate urges to stuff myself insensible - urges that I recognise as ways of distracting myself from feelings that are too difficult or painful to deal with.

So in summation: I'm experiencing the confused, frightening mishmash of emotions generated by a threatening, unsafe, insecure childhood. My body is yelling right, left and centre that I'm angry, yet I can't feel anger, or anything else - I can't feel anything at all. The pain is stubbornly masking a welter of emotions that I can't even identify, never mind decode.

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