Thursday, 17 November 2011

Drove to my friend's house for my first visit anywhere in 9 months and already it's a disaster.

The roads were really busy, full of idiot Yummy Mummies who don't have the skill or the brains to drive the cars they're in. Trundling along, stopping for no reason, letting everyone into traffic.

I got to my friend's furious and tearful. Now I just want to shout and scream. I don't know why I'm so upset, but I could kill someone. It was the same when I got so angry with my sister on Saturday.

Everything is so hard, and stupid people and stupid things just make it harder. I don't know what to do. I just want to go home. I don't want to talk to anyone, or make jokes and it hurts! The neck pressure's so bad and all those people, they just get in the way and they think it's only that, but it's that on top of everything else. It only takes one thing to push me over the edge.

It's not fair. I knew all the driving stuff was triggering the 'not fair' reflex, but this is worse. Because nothing in my life is fair and then people do stupid stuff on top and I just can't cope. They have no idea what I'm already going through, the effort it's taken to get into that situation. And none of them has to go through what I do. I hate everyone else for not being in this situation.

The minute I walked in here I felt angry at them for their nice house and the work they're doing and all they have that I don't. And I know how stupid it is to hate people for not having my problems and I hate myself for being jealous of them. But it's not fair!

Looking at my notes on how to deal with my relationships, the point that's resonating is to recognise that this situation is 'me+whoever now', not 'mum & dad' then. I've got to take off the 'mum & dad' masks, stop projecting them onto this situation.

I guess it's because whatever I'd been through with them, it was never enough, and they'd always throw something else at me, and just expect me to cope. They'd never see that enough was enough, and stop.

But that was them, this is now.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

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