It's been a shit day and I feel like crap.

I got no sleep - bloody cherries were a waste of time - the neck pressure's been awful and the pain is back.

I don't know if it's a relapse. I spent hours this morning trying to find a position with the sling that would ease the neck pressure. I finally settled on the least-bad one and fastened myself into it.

An hour later I undid it, to make some lunch, and the pressure went down. But in less than an hour I was feeling so rough all over, but mostly my back, that I had to lie down for the rest of the afternoon. I felt absolutely exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open - a sign of bad neck pressure. I got up, but an hour later everything was flaring, including the shoulder pain that's been down for days.

So now I'm back in bed. My arm is in extreme traction because it's the only thing that will reduce the pressure, but it's making my shoulder much worse. And I feel so shit mentally.

I'm scared of everything going back the way it was. My head's been full of thoughts of getting my life back, all the things I'll do. I haven't been able to stop thinking about all the things I'm going to do, all the stuff I'll start up again, all the new things I'll take up.

And now I just feel it slipping away. This is why I always try to avoid getting my hopes up. It hurts too much, and I don't think I can stand to watch it all slip away again.

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