I really thought things would feel better once the family visit was over; I thought it was just that making me feel so shit.

But on the way back from there - during the endless, pain-infested drive home - I started to feel even more crap. I just wanted to get home, get into the kitchen and start carving up my wrists.

I just feel so lonely and empty and hopeless. I was relieved my mum didn't leap up to hug me when I walked in yesterday, and gutted she just sat there. All the niceness of the day was ruined by the hideous pain episode that had me trapped on L's sofa till 1am and kept me awake all night at A's. I didn't feel able to sit and chat with her this morning but I didn't want to feel so ill and pain-ridden that I had to go back to bed. The drive home was like some kind of torture session. I really wanted L to come over while the kids are at their dad's, but instead she's off with her mate that she spends all her time with, and I'm consumed with jealousy.

It's yet another Xmas of hideous pain, feeling trapped into seeing people I don't want to see. I stopped that years ago and carved out the Xmas I wanted. But I can't have the Xmas I want because of the pain, so I'm forced into someone else's, like a pathetic add-on.

And I'm faced with starting yet another year of pain. I want to die.

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