Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Unexpectedly bad day.

I was woken by a text from a friend cancelling her visit to see me today. She was my only visitor for this whole Xmas period, because for some reason everyone has said they don't have time for metill the New Year.

So I was already feeling unwanted and unappreciated. When igot that text though, I lost the plot.

I was in hysterical tears for an hour. Things got even worse when I asked my sister if she was free and she said no. I'd originally intended to invite her over today, but didn't because of my friend coming round. So when she cancelled, I felt like I'd missed out in time with my sis for no good reason.

My sister kept trying to cheer me up, but I was inconsolable. All I could see was days and weeks of loneliness, and I just couldn't bear it. I was desperately fighting the urge to just go and slice open my wrists. I really and truly wanted to die. it wasn't just the loneliness though; it was the loneliness filled with the endless pain. I just don't know how to cope with this never-ending pain.

After a couple of hours, I knew I had to reply to my friend. I didn't want to make her feel worse, but I felt I had to explain why it had taken me so long to respond. So I told her how upset I'd been. I was stunned to then receive a text saying she was on her way.

Despite the fact that she was having her own meltdown, she obviously decided she couldn't leave me like that.

I was very grateful, though I felt really guilty when I saw how rough she looked. But I hadn't asked her to change her mind and it had genuinely never occurred to me that she might.

So we spent the afternoon sharing whinges; at least I felt a bit better concentrating on her problems instead of mine (which is actually a really good sign - I haven't been able to do that for months). The pain was - and still is - bad, just like the neck pressure, and I've been stuck in bed all day because I just didn't feel able to sit up.

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