She didn't just abandon me, she didn't even just abandon me to him. That would have been s breeze, by comparison. No, it's not just about abandonment. It's not just about turning her back, walking away and leaving me to my fate. It's about sacrifice.
She sacrificed me. She sacrificed me to him and she sacrificed me for him.
She stood by and did nothing when she discovered his abuse of me, both times. When she found him in bed with me - which she has conveniently blocked out - she accepted his excuses, stood by and let him get away with it. Then when I outed him, 30-odd years later, she stayed with him.
But not only that. All the years of my childhood, his state of mind, his mood, his happiness, was my responsibility. If he was angry, it was because I (or we) had done something to make him that way. The admonishment 'not to annoy dad' paved my childhood.
So important was his contentment to her, that I was disposable in pursuit of it. It didn't matter that keeping him happy - or bearing the blame for failure to do so - made me unhappy. He was more important than me and she would drop me in a heartbeat if it meant favour from him.
Not only that, though. Not only was I currency redeemable against his mood. I was her buffer from him. I was the perfect substitute, the ideal proxy, to protect her from him.
He wanted someone in the garage bleeding brakes or holding welding panels. She didn't want to be out there, getting yelled at, damaging his mood, risking the tranquility of the next few days to an endless petulant sulk; perfect, send the daughter. An ideal stand-in, someone who could complete the tasks, listen to the endless narcissistic preening, with no right to complain or refuse. Keeping him away from the mother for as long as possible, and until all the unpleasantness was done. They could even bond over lamenting and bemoaning the inadequacy of the understudy's performance.
Sacrifice.
Over and over again that bitch sacrificed me to him, to make her own miserable little life more comfortable. And she's still doing it. Still acting like he's the only one that matters, and the rest of us are just here for his convenience.
Well she can go to hell. I never want to see that bitch again. I'm done.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
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