Monday, 19 December 2011

I'm conscious that I'm not putting as much up here at the moment as I usually do.

That doesn't mean there's nothing going on - actually, quite the contrary. There's a huge amount going on, but it's all so personal that I'm just not comfortable sharing it.

I can say that the latest therapy session went well, and it's already clear that she does know what she's on about. She came up with some very useful suggestions and interpretations that I hadn't thought of, and which have made me think, which is exactly what I need her to do.

After a week of good pain levels, as a direct result of the first therapy session, I then had a really bad week, coinciding with my latest visit to the doctor. The therapist had a different perspective on why that happened the way it did, and also set my mind at ease that it wasn't me 'making things worse' again - that I'm not consciously in control of this.

As a result, things got a bit better, but then I had an awful night last night and I feel terrible now. If it hadn't been for a visit from some friends I rarely get to see, today would probably have been horrible too.

I'm aware that I'm once again taking a lot of morphine - more than I'd like - but I feel I have no choice. A lot of the time it's not even really helping that much, yet the chance that it might, and my desperation for some relief, make me feel I have to try.

I'm worried I'll run out over Xmas, especially as the doc gave me less, because I'd asked for higher denomination pills. I know he's probably right they I'll this will mean they'll last longer, but the fear of pain with no pills to attack it, terrifies me.

And then there's my mum hassling me about seeing her at Xmas, when she's really the last person I want to spend time with, given all the stuff the therapy is bringing up about how she abandoned md as a child, and has kept on abandoning me ever since.

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