Tuesday, 27 December 2011

The pain has been quite bad this evening, especially tonight, and the pills are doing nothing to help.

It's bizarre; the pills are affecting me - I feel stoned and floaty - but it's like they're completely by-passing the pain.

If you follow the logic of 'somatic illness' through to it's logical conclusion, I guess it could be that the stress of Christmas and having to see my family is causing the pain to get worse.

More so, it could be that the stress of seeing my mum has intensified the conflicted feelings I have about her abandonment of me. My mind is making the pain worse, because this is the only way it has of expressing those conflicted feelings.

So no matter how many pills I take, they won't work. Because the real pain isn't in my shoulder, it's in my soul. And it's the pain of see her and being reminded of all the ways she let me down.

That makes sense, but it means I'm in an even more hopeless state than ever.

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