Friday, 2 March 2012

Die, bitch

If someone abused my child, I'd kill them. It's as simple as that. I'd take my punishment, but you hurt my baby, and you die. End of.

Yet my mother somehow manages to keep on living with him. Spending Christmas and birthdays, going on holidays.

She gives me all this bullshit about 'deserving' to live out her life in purgatory, but that's crap. She's a coward, and how ever much of a victim she may be herself, it's still no excuse.

But it turns out that was just the tip of the iceberg. I thought that was the worst of it, but it wasn't. She didn't just let him get away with it, she didn't just stick her head in the sand and pretend it hadn't happened. She laid the groundwork for the whole ugly thing.

She created a child so starved of love and attention, so lacking in basic emotional resources, that when he - and every other predatory, exploitative personality since - swooped in, I didn't have a chance. I was completely and utterly vulnerable - even more so than any other child.

I was the perfect target - desperate for love and attention, craving approval, unlikely ever to blow the whistle for fear of jeopardising what tiny chance I precieved of getting that. He could do whatever he wanted to me, I had no basis for comparison - I couldn't event even think 'mummy doesn't love me this way', because mummy didn't love me at all - I had no power to stop it, no-one to turn to to tell about it, and he could terrorise me into submission at a moment's notice, simply by the threat of a return to the invisibility offered by my mother. Not to mention the much more concrete threat of violence and harm.

A child so starved of love will accept even abusive, shameful, perverted 'love', in preference to the nothingness of being ignored. Especially if she has no way of knowing it's abusive and perverted, especially when what feels somehow wrong and squalid is insisted on as being normal and even 'special', especially when she's terrorised into silence and acceptance by threats both explicit and implied.

So you see, not only did my mother let him get away with it, she set me up for it in the first place. She probably welcomed his attentions on me, because it meant she didn't have to feel guilty about ignoring me; I was getting attention, after all.

If someone did any of that to my child, I'd kill the pair of them. no question, no vacillation, no remorse. Parents are supposed to protect their children; it's that simple.

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