Monday, 19 March 2012

I'm too scared to go to bed because I know that's when the worst of the feelings come up. So each night I sit up later and later, avoiding trying to sleep and avoiding the drowning feelings.

I've been upset all day about my mum. It's been over a year since her last abandonment of me; afterwards, when she apologised, she asked if we were ok and I said we would be. It upsets me that, despite such a long time having passed, she's never asked again. She's never checked how things are going on that score, she's never tried to convince me to let her back in, she's never asked when she can come back over.

My sister says she wants to see me, and part of me is glad that she's never pushed it, because it's saved me having to tell her how I really feel. But it breaks my heart that she accepts being pushed away without a fight. She'll lay her life down in front of a bus for L, but she won't fight to see to me.

It was Mother's Day yesterday. I thought long and hard about whether to send her a card, and finally did. She texted thank you and later put a thank you up in L's Facebook page. It upset me that I was last in the list though. She thanked both my sisters first.

In every way I come last to her. I want to not care, I want it not to hurt, but I do and it does. It breaks my heart. And at the same time, I blame myself; I can't help thinking there must be something wrong with me, for her to treat me that way.

I guess it's because I can't conceive of a mother not loving their child, not putting that child first. It seems to me that it's a natural instinct; I feel it to my pets, for gods sake! Even in agony, I make sure they get fed - I may not be able to feed myself, but I won't let them go hungry. So why can't she do that for me? The only answer I can find is that there's something wrong with me, something that makes me inherently unloveable. I don't know what it is, and I'd fix it if I could. But there's nothing I can do.

The therapist keeps telling me I have to stop believing it's my fault; it's hers, and there's nothing wrong with me. She says the pain won't go away till I stop blaming myself. I'm sure she's right, but I don't know how to do that.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

No comments:

Post a Comment