Tuesday, 20 March 2012

The pain's been so bad for the past two days, I've been stuck in bed.

I've got a list of things I need to do this week (as every other week!), and I sat down on Sunday and carefully spread them out across the week, so no one day would be overloaded. We're not talking big jobs here, it's your basic put-the-washing-on, fuel-up-the-car, buy-bagels-and-tomatoes type stuff, plus the less common sort, arrange-car-insurance.

I haven't been able to do any of it though, so each day's jobs get pushed back to the next day, giving me twice as much to do, then three times, and so on.

It's a nightmare. So far, over the past two days, the best I've managed is toasting and buttering a bagel - I can't even cook chips because that means standing too long in the kitchen, plus lifting the grill pan. The reason I can't sort my insurance is that I can't lift the laptop.

I'm taking massive amounts of morphine and all it's doing is occasionally taking the edge off the pain so I can rest if I stay still. I can't move, and the rest of the time, all of that medication doesn't even touch the pain. But i daren't not take it, for fear that the pain would go even higher without it.

When things eased slightly a little while ago, I tried to get something done - buying the bagels is most urgent, but I didn't even make it out of the bedroom before the pain started again. As much as it infuriated me, I knew it would be stupid to try and go any further, so I quit. And now the pain is ramping up again, and even lying totally still, I'm in agony.

This two-day episode comes on the back of the longest-highest pain episode to date. Previously, once a week I had to take around 175mg of morphine. Of the past 10 days, 8 of them have been 180-190mg days. And there's no end in sight.

It's all because of the therapy. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.

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