Sunday, 4 March 2012

Shit night, following shit day

I'm so itchy, I just can't stop scratching. It happens when I have to take a lot of morphine, and today's was a lot.

I took 70mg over the course of two hours (on top of the 115mg I'd already taken during the day). Another two hours later, I feel totally shit-faced - I can't see straight, I'm breathless, I'm having panic attacks and there's no strength in my muscles - yet I'm still in pain, and I have been throughout.

I'm getting eye-wateringly bad pain explosions every few minutes. And I can't sleep - the pain and the side effects are making it impossible. I keep sort of half dropping off as I lie here writing this, but that sensation of falling that we all get as we fall asleep is ten times worse because of the morphine, so it wakes me up each time.

And on top of that, I'm desperately struggling to hold on to each thought; as fast as I think something, the thought is gone again, leaving behind a niggling feeling that I've forgotten something really, really important.

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