I told her about the feelings that keep overwhelming me, how huge they are and how awful. The unbearable sadness that seems to have replaced the anger and the terror (which she also says is possibly the natural progression through these emotions - we're angry over something first, then scared of the implications, then just sad). These feelings are like an endless ocean and it's drowning me and I really don't know if I can keep doing this. The therapy is bringing up so much awful stuff and I just don't know if I can keep going with it because it hurts so much.
She pointed out that it explains why I've got the pain and why it's so bad and why it won't stop. If the feelings are SO terrible, it's going to take something pretty bloody awful to mask them: and that's what the pain is. Which means that despite all the revolting, hideous things my dad did, the real problem, the most hurtful, upsetting, damaging influence on my childhood was my actually mum.
I still feel like shit, but it sort of helps to know that - to understand why I'm stuck with such hideous, unending pain. And to understand why things got so much worse, emotionally, the more the spotlight fell on her. It also explains why I often feel I would rather go back to the pain, than keep feeling this.
But I still don't know if I can keep going with the therapy.
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