Thursday, 19 January 2012

I got very very angry and upset this evening.

Again, it was something silly that set me off (someone's bad manners), and again, my reaction was disproportionate.

I got absolutely furious, and felt utterly heartbroken. All of these things at the moment make me feel utterly worthless and completely impotent. I feel convinced that there must be something terribly terribly wrong with me, that I'm clearly so entirely unloveable. And I feel completely powerless to make people treat me properly.

It's an awful feeling - I feel so empty and alone and utterly vulnerable.

As on most of the past few occasions, I've responded by screaming - howling really - at the top of my voice. I feel I can only do that a couple of times, though, before the neighbours either start hammering on the door or calling the police to say I'm being murdered.

So when that didn't vent the feelings enough, I went to china smashing. I got out some of the cheap mugs I bought, back when I was having hypnotherapy, specifically for the purpose. I threw two of them at the floor so hard they almost exploded.

That helped, but within hours I was feeling angry all over again. I'm just so furious, and there's nowhere for it to go.

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