Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Pain Clinic

I've fucked up and I'm terrified.

Because of all the faffing and letters complaining about the changes to the Pain Clinic, and the huge delay in them replying, I forgot to tell my friend who usually comes with me to hold my hand, about the appointment. And now I have to go on my own.

By the time I realised my mistake, it was too late. At first, I thought I'd already mentioned it, then when I realised I hadn't, I thought I could cope with it on my own. I couldn't bear her telling me she couldn't make it - she's so busy at work, there's no way at that short notice that she'd be able to - because I would feel abandoned and let down (unreasonably so). So it seemed better to just go on my own.

I forgot all about it till a couple of days ago - it's lucky I didn't miss it! - and I didn't give it a moment's thought till this evening. Then I started thinking I should prepare - work out what I need to tell them, formulate any questions, defend my decision not to change on to the new drug they mentioned last time.

And suddenly the reality of facing this appointment alone smashed me over the head. I'm terrified. I always feel terrified at these things; I feel vulnerable and got at and very lonely even with my friend there. Without her, it's so much worse.

She always stays the night before, and I'm really missing her calming influence. And just the little stuff, like not having to fight to park the car myself, navigating the roads when I'm that upset. Shit, what am I going to do!

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