Saturday, 14 January 2012

Relearn my life

Today's therapy session was awful, harrowing and draining.

It centred, surprisingly to me, on the fit I threw the other day over spilling a bit of squash on the carpet (full on Exorcist-style tantrum).

It appears that despite all the years and all the therapy and all the work I've done, I'm basically still inflicting my childhood on myself over and over, by providing the 'voices' of the psychological and emotional abuse (criticism, punishment, rejection, abandonment) all by myself.

So when I spill squash on the carpet, I don't need my father to tell me how stupid and useless I am, I do it myself. And I don't need my mother to reject me - I reject myself. The pain is the physical manifestation of those 'voices'.

So what I have to do, is cut the ties on all of that, relearn how to relate to myself and how to treat myself. I believe the best way, would be to treat myself as I would treat someone else, especially a child. If I wouldn't scream at you for spilling squash on the carpet, then I can't scream at me.

This will be unbelievably hard, after 40 years of mistreating myself. I have developed some mantras - below - and the therapist suggested I wear my Nan's ring, to make me feel connected to the only positive 'voice' of my childhood. She's also told me to adjust the pain spreadsheet to reflect the successes - acknowledging when I'm pain-free and, most importantly, all the times I resist taking pills and just sit there in pain (for example, six hours just since lunchtime).

That's easier - I've done it already. It's the relearning that will be the problem.


When reacting, think 'is this really me, or is it boil-in-a-bag parenting?' [from 'parent-in-your-head'].
In every situation, with every reaction, I CHOOSE how to react - ie positively. CBT theory suggests the feelings will follow the thought, in time.
Constantly ask - would I do / say this to someone else, especially a child? If not, don't treat myself that way.

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