Thursday, 26 January 2012

It's been an interesting day: good, but bizarre.

Yesterday was awful - high pain levels, morphine doing very little. In the afternoon I started doing some 'therapy work', analysing some stuff that came up when things were going well on Monday.

The pain stopped, which suggested I was on the right track. (I've always found with these somatizing conditions that when you hit on the right issue, you get an immediate response. Sadly, things usually then regress, so you're back where you started, and that's what's so frustrating; each time it improves, you get excited, thinking you're there, then you find you're not, and it's really depressing. The key is refining your thinking to the point that the condition doesn't recur, or if it does, you can consistently turn it off, every time it happens.)

The pain and neck pressure had returned by bedtime, so I had to take pills (in fact a double hit, because the first dose didn't do it). I also tried carrying on that therapy work, but I just couldn't concentrate on that and trying to sleep, at the same time.

I got up this morning with the neck pressure feeling unbelievably fragile: it felt like the tiniest twist in the wrong direction, and I'd be in full-blown migraine, traction and morphine-overdose mode.

As I feared, within an hour, it had got really bad. I was facing a hideous day of desperately trying to find the 'magic position' that would turn it off, and balancing vast quantities of morphine with various migraine pills.

I started trying to utilise some of what I'd worked out over the last few days, but didn't think it was really working. Then a bit later, I suddenly realised it had stopped.

I thought it was just that I'd found that right position, but when I moved slightly, it didn't do what it normally does, and immediately flare up again. It just stayed down. For hours.

It did flare up again when I got a difficult email, but it went down again. On its own. That's the bizarre bit (and I know, it's taken me forever to get to the point), but it went down on its own. And it's stayed down.

Right now my landlord is here, so I'm having to see if I can sustain that whilst talking or concentrating on something other than myself. So far, I'm managing, though it's not easy.

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