Friday, 20 January 2012

It's all seeming really hopeless today.

This morning's therapy session raised the possibility in my mind of not actually being able to get back to work at all. And the welter of psychological issues is making it seem highly unlikely I'll ever actually be free of the pain.

I think it was the therapist's incredulity that I was even thinking of returning to work, that started it off. It was like I was talking about visiting the moon. And there just seem to be so many tendrils leading into the pain, that I don't know how I can ever stop it. Just this afternoon, it's got worse and worse, till I'm now stuck in bed because the neck pressure was becoming unbearable.

And on top of the pain itself is the constant gnawing worry about the income insurance and the Pain Cliic taking away the morphine.

If there's no insurance, I'll run out of money. I'll lose my flat. I won't live in some noisy stinking council flat. I've kept going because of the hope of returning to work; if that's gone, there's nothing left to live for. I won't struggle through each day without pain killers.

I'm going to be forced to kill myself because all my options have been taken away. I don't want to die, but I'm going to be left with no choice.

I want this to stop. I really really want the pain to stop but I don't know how and noone seems to know how to help me. Please don't make me die for this

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