Tuesday, 17 January 2012

It's so hard to maintain motivation when every waking moment is a struggle.

It's all very well when you're talking to friends and telling them everything you're trying, on order to get back to work. But at some point, they always go home, and you're left trying to keep it going, in the face of endless pain and pills.

Every time there's a setback, every time the pain starts again after it had stopped for a minute - it all makes you feel so hopeless and helpless.

One minute I feel like I can do it, I feel all positive and like there's no reason why it can't work. Then the next minute, I remember that horrible pain clinic appointment, or the fact that my Personnel manager is leaving, or that I'm scared the insurance won't come through, and suddenly it just feels impossible.

It's not the pain itself, it's all the other stuff. All the things that make me feel unsupported and judged.all the authority figures that think they know what my life is like just from some tiny snapshot.

And now even going back to work means more of that. The rehab people want to do interviews and reports. It's alright for them, they only have to hear it once. But each time I have to go through all the problems and all the ways it's destroyed my life, I just want to die all over again. I can't do it. I don't have the strength to get through this. I just want it all to go away. I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up. I can't carry this all by myself.

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